In the haze of my early AM internets blog reading I came across this post:
“I’m coming out of a depression, so I’m very vulnerable, and I might not be seeing things clearly. Maybe by this time next week, I won’t feel this way. But I’ve really had my fill of blogs. I guess I should have stopped reading blogs that feature regular doses of infighting. But Laurelin’s right: there’s a thin line between stirring and silence.”
I’ve felt the same way recently. I went away for the weekend and spent some quality time with one of my loves. It gave me a chance to decompress and think about why all this blog fighting affected me so much personally.
On reflection, the reason comes from being humiliated in public. It’s not just a blog post, it’s personal. It’s a weak spot. It’s an Achilles heel. I’m not shy about being trans. I’ve always said that the best way to advocate is by being yourself. But being open about being transgender, I get the “THAT isn’t a woman!” comments that slice me right down to the core. Why does it bother me so, if I’m not ashamed of being trans? It’s hurts because I’m being ridiculed and having my humanity stripped away. If I’m no longer human, what am I? At that moment, I feel like a monster.
I probably could get another job and not tell them I’m trans. Since I transitioned I’ve never been ID’ed as a man by any of my patients. But I have no desire to move one closet to another. The only way minds will change, is if people know that I’m trans.