TransFusion

The quoted paragraphs below appeared in Tuesday’s Missisippi State University Reflector. The title of the opinion piece, written by Lazarus Austin was: “Schools Overplay Gay Tolerance”

Mr. Austin,

Your recent post shows a significant lack of understanding of what forces were actually at work in this tragedy and, indeed, assumptions about the details of the case rather than known facts and educated opinions. It begins with your headline: “Schools Overplay Gay Tolerance”.

That is a prejudicial headline which both misstates the school district’s position and attempts to trump the actual details of the case by positioning it as a “gay tolerance” issue. The school district was not being “gay tolerant” with regard to Larry King. The school was being both tolerant and respectful towards an individual’s right to freely express themselves without regard to arbitrary gender stereotypes. Whether or not Larry chose to self-identify as gay is irrelevant to how he expressed his gender identity. There are heterosexual students who identify in gender non-stereotypical ways. And from all existing evidence, it was Larry’s feminine expression that escalated things to their violent outcome.

You wrote:
“In February, Lawrence King was shot to death at E.O. Green Junior High School in Oxnard, Calif. What sets his murder apart from others is that King was openly gay. He often flirted with his fellow male students and wore feminine apparel and accessories. His murder has brought onslaughts of paranoia and calls for tolerance by gay rights advocates.“

Larry King self-identified as “gay”…which I suppose makes him as “openly gay” as any of the other students who were “openly straight”. He did not, as you stated “often flirt with his fellow male students”. That is your attempt to prejudice the reader against the victim. Larry, in response to bullying and teasing from larger and more aggressive boys responded with the only ‘weapon’ he had…his sense of humor and knowledge that he could make these macho boys nervous simply by acting interested in them.

You wrote:
“According to The Washington Post, gay rights advocates are claiming that King’s murder is the “extreme consequence of a growing but often ignored phenomenon.” The phenomenon they are referring to is homophobia.“

There are many organizations (not just ‘gay rights advocates’) who believe that bullying based upon real or perceived sexual orientation is a growing and overlooked problem in not simply our schools, but our society as a whole. In reality, many of these organizations are themselves overlooking the core basis for this bullying and harassment. It’s not truly based on sexual orientation, but rather on gender expression and gender non-conforming identity. THAT is why so-called “straight-acting” people are generally not victimized. it’s not about who you are attracted to…it’s about how far from someone’s arbitrary sense of gender appropriate behavior a child, youth or any individual wanders.

You wrote:
“As a result, they are calling for more tolerance education in schools and stricter anti-harassment rules. Many middle schools and high schools are opening gay and lesbian clubs for students. Other schools are openly teaching students about homosexuality at an early age, often at the frustration of parents.“

In point of fact, long before the murder of Larry King school districts that are committed to a safe and supportive education for ALL students encouraged GSA’s (Gay/Straight Alliances) and tolerance education for students, faculty and staff. Encouraging people to understand each other’s differences is NOT the same as “teaching homosexuality at an early age.” If it were possible to “teach” sexual orientation, then wouldn’t it stand to reason that in a predominantly heterosexual world/culture that all of the children would be “taught” heterosexuality at an early age?

If the death of Larry King proves one thing, it’s that children more often bully, abuse, harass and, yes, kill other children and youth who they have an unfounded fear or lack of understanding of. Keeping them in the dark about people’s differences is NOT the solution to the animosity that exists between some hetero-centric families or religions and people who may be gay or gender non-conforming.

You wrote:

“Furthermore, schools are cracking down on bullying. They, of course, do not want bullies harassing people with a different religious belief, sexual preference, race or gender.“

I assume you think this is a good idea…but I could be wrong.

You wrote:
“I have two problems with the controversy. First, people are blowing the situation out of proportion and automatically assuming King’s murderer killed him simply because King was gay. This reminds me of how people love to cry racism when someone kills a person of a different race.

His alleged murderer, Brandon McInerney, 14, also an eighth-grader, had a rough upbringing. According to The Washington Post, McInerney’s parents divorced in 2002. His mother dealt with drug issues, the father had been accused of shooting his mother in the elbow, both parents had filed restraining orders against the other and both had been accused of domestic violence. Supposedly, McInerney was a good kid in school, so the results of his upbringing are hard to judge. However, if you ask me, McInerney was probably a fuse ready to explode, and King’s fraternization possibly sparked it, which brings me to my second point.“

Mr. Austin…I’m not sure if it’s even possible to blow the execution (with two shots to the back of the head) of a 15-year old in a classroom “out of proportion” for any reason…but there is much more than assumption behind Brandon’s motivation for murdering Lawrence King. No one is ‘crying homophobia’ simply because the victim self-identified as gay. The district attorney, fellow students, faculty, staff and parents know that Larry was killed by Brandon as a result of his combination of gay self-identity and gender expression because the day before the shooting at least 10 students overheard Brandon McInerney specifically threaten Larry with a expletive-filled reference to his gay self-identity.

In your second paragraph above, you clearly contradict yourself. On the one hand you make a case for Brandon’s rough upbringing, parental violence and drug issues, etc. and then you say “McInerney was a good kid in school, so the results of his upbringing are hard to judge”. You then go on to throw out all of the information about his upbringing and other influences and assume McInerney was a “fuse ready to explode” and imply that “King’s fraternization possibly sparked it”.

What exactly do you mean by ‘fraternization’? We find out what you meant in your second paragraph;

“By imposing his homosexuality on McInerney, he may have set McInerney off. McInerney may not have had an innate hatred of gay people. In fact, he may have tolerated homosexuality, while simultaneously thinking it was immoral, sinful or simply “uncool,” like many people do. King, however, may have gone too far by imposing his sexuality on others. Although King by no means deserved his fate, he may have unfortunately invited it.“

This paragraph peels away all pretense of serious analysis of what happened on your part. Larry King was approx. 5′5″ tall, slight of build, quiet and, yes, feminine. Brandon McInerney was, at 14 years old, almost 6 feet tall, a talented basketball & football player, a black-belt in martial arts and a former member of The Young Marines JROTC type of organization. In what way might Larry have “imposed” his homosexuality on McInerney?

Did he pin him to the wall and force kisses on him? Did he throw him to the ground and have his way with him? Perhaps Larry “imposed his homosexuality” on Brandon the same way a rape victim “imposes her female sexuality” on a rapist?

You then go on to fabricate the thought that, perhaps, Brandon McInerney tolerated homosexuality but brought religious judgments to it. There is no evidence to that effect whatsoever…in fact, quite the contrary. You then again blame the victim by saying Larry “went too far” and imposed his sexuality on others. All Larry did was say “I’m gay” and begin dressing in a more feminine fashion (which has NOTHING to do with his being gay, by the way.)

Are we at the point where what we choose to wear and how we choose to identify ourselves justifies violence against us by others who think we may have gone “too far”?

Larry did not “invite” anyone to shoot him twice in the back of the head in his morning classroom. If you can seriously entertain that idea, then you may be in need of the same counseling that I hope Brandon McInerney will receive in the coming weeks, months and years.

You wrote:
“Now, gay rights advocates would like to force their homosexuality on others and promote tolerance in schools. Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? The problem lies in their methods. Many of them, by teaching tolerance, also teach values, whether intentionally or not.

The focus should be on targeting harassment, not tolerance per se. Promoting tolerance can instill in children’s minds moral and religious values. Furthermore, it can make them think that homosexuality is the norm and, in my opinion, encourages them to be gay, which is OK but not something schools should be promoting. If at all, tolerance should formally be taught at the upper grade levels, starting at high school.

Some gay rights advocates would have homosexuals permeate society, from TV shows and films to teachers and bishops. I say just let people be gay, don’t forcefully stick them in everybody’s faces and in the limelight.“

There are so many fallacies, prejudicial assumptions, convoluted thoughts and contradictory statements above that they actually speak for themselves. You want to ‘talk tolerance’ as a concept, but somehow also say “Now, don’t be TOO tolerant, because tolerance leads to becoming that very thing you tolerate.” You know…I tolerate arch-conservative, evangelical Christians, Muslims, Jews & Mormons and have done so for years without ever ONCE having considered becoming one myself.

You don’t mind if there are gay people, so long as they stay hidden, ashamed, and out of your line of sight. Anything more than that is “forcefully sticking it in everyone’s faces” and, by extension, “inviting” a violent fate at the hands of otherwise ‘tolerant’ people who might just be pushed too far. Sad.

You wrote:

“King sounds like he was a good kid, and what McInerney did was absolutely unjustifiable. However, some want to use King as a martyr for the wrong reasons. Gay people should and do have just as many rights as the rest of us, but no more. Minorities shouldn’t get special privileges, only equal privileges. However, murderers, including those of gay people, should get a special privilege, the privilege of rotting their lives away in prison where they deserve to be.“

It’s nice that you include murdering gay people as a bad thing. Thank you. I hope that wasn’t a ‘big stretch’ for you.

In reality, there are several rights that children like Larry King do NOT have, as evidenced by your own words. They do NOT have the right to self-identify their sexuality in a way that feels right to them, without possibly “inviting” a violent fate. Kids like Larry King (straight & gay) do not have the right to express their gender identity in a way that doesn’t conform to someone else’s stereotype of what is acceptable for a boy, or a girl or someone who might feel ‘in-between’ at some point in their life.

Larry King, in the absence of possessing the physical strength or size to physically defend himself from Brandon McInerney did not have the freedom to NOT choose violence as a response to his bullying (for Larry, a gun would have been a great equalizer, no?). Instead, Larry teased back….he refused to be driven into the shadows by those who bullied him. He used the very thing that made his abusers uncomfortable enough to tease him as a non-violent form of self-defense against them. Apparently, non-violence was not one of the rights afforded to Larry.

Brandon McInerney will probably, spend the most productive of his years behind bars. That apparently will suit your sense of justice. But in the end, Larry King is still dead…in large part because of the “tolerate, but only to a point” mixed message that you and people like you try to foist off onto the public as a reasoned approach to homosexuality and, more accurately, gender non-conforming expression.

You have blood on your soul, if not on your hands. I only hope you realize it in enough time to make a difference before it happens again.

Jenn Burleton

Portland, OR

I received the following comment to an earlier post I did regarding a transitioning affirmed female child in Colorado. I was going to simply reply to the comment, but decided instead to share it with as many people as possible.

vulcan | dougstownhouse@yahoo.com | IP: 66.213.245.146 wrote:
I would agree that confused is the wrong word to describe the trans gender population. Possibly prior to choosing to be transgendered they were confused about what they are. But now I’m of the opinion that transgendered people are delusional. That is they have clearly lost touch with reality and are believing to be true what is not. A child with male genitals is not a girl. If he thinks he is, he is delusional.

Children need guidance and clarity about life and the world we live in. If their parents won’t or are unable to provide that for them they will grow up with no clear set of boundaries. If when this child grows into puberty decides, because he has lost touch with reality, that he would like to have sex with the family dog, who will be there for him to give him clarity?

You need to learn how to accept reality and stop trying to change it.

Doug (or “Vulcan”, if you prefer)

A couple of quick points:

1. You didn’t choose your gender by looking down, seeing something resembling a penis and say, “Oh! I must be a boy.” That may or may not have, at various times in your life, confirmed your male gender identity, but hopefully it wasn’t the only deciding factor in your identifying as a male. If it WAS, and if you suggest that it should be the overriding factor in male gender identity, then I hope you are never in an auto accident, or combat, or a victim of penile or testicular cancer, which may cause you to loseWeight Exercise your penis or testicles. Because if that ever happens…how will you possibly know which gender you are?

2. Is it delusional to believe in something you KNOW to be true, but that you can’t prove to the satisfaction of others? Is it delusional to believe that one man built a sailing vessel large enough to hold 2 of every living animal on the face of the Earth? Is it delusional to believe that a dead man rose from the grave to live in Heaven with his father in order to save the world from sin?

To the best of my knowledge, I believe that we call accepting all those things as facts, “FAITH”…not delusions.

It doesn’t matter whether or not I share that faith. The fact that others cannot, to MY satisfaction, prove any of those things occurred doesn’t change my committment to respect their belief that those things did occur, that they are real and that it is something they cannot ignore without risking spiritual, physical, emotional and eternal destruction.

Why is it that some people (you) won’t give the same respect to a child and her parents who are doing their best to support their daughter and help to save her from the physical, emotional and yes, spiritual destruction that can happen to gender non-conforming children and youth when they are forced by others to be something they are not?

I’ll make you a deal. I will make every effort to not denigrate, lecture or pass judgment on other people’s faith-based beliefs that can’t be proven to my satisfaction until I learn as much as I possibly can about the foundation of those beliefs. In return, you agree to learn as much factual and diverse information as you can about the development of gender identity in children & youth before passing judgment and accusing children of being delusional simply because they know something at the very core of their being that YOU can’t see or identify with.

If we have a deal, then perhaps we’ll both learn something and become better human beings. If not…well…where does THAT get us?

3. Children do need guidance…but which path do we guide them down?

Some parents “guide” their children into white supremacy. Some “guide” their children into standing on street corners across from the funerals of soldiers who have died in Iraq holding signs that read “Fag Soldiers” and “Thank God For AIDS”.

Some parents “guide” their children into strapping bombs on their bodies in the name of religion, and blowing up other children in malls, markets and places of worship.

Some parents “guide” their male-identified children into being bullies who abuse others at school. Some “guide” their female-identified children into being submissive victims.

Some parents “guide” their children into embracing their religious faith in a way that does not condemn, judge or oppress others.

Some parents value how their child feels about themselves, especially when those feelings are persistent and consistent rather than transitory. Some parents value their child’s happiness and future enough to not only respect the child’s identity, but to learn that this is not a whimsical ‘choice’ or “delusion”.

Some parents believe in helping their child to be the independent minded, unique individual they are rather than allowing someone else to dictate an ‘approved’ cookie cutter for their child.

Which “boundaries” related to the world we live in are you referring to? The “boundary” that still disapproves of interracial marriage/coupling? The “boundary” that exists in much of the world that says women may not show their faces in public and may be killed by their family if they bring “dishonor” in some way? The “boundary” that allows a government to abolish Habeas Corpus and spy with impunity on its own citizens? The “boundary” that encourages some Christians to handle snakes as evidence of their faith?

Boundaries. Walls. Fences. Commandments. Fatwa’s. Dictums. Why do people use these things far too often to separate us from each other?

You don’t even know this child or her family, other than the child identifies as female, wants the freedom to express herself in a way that fits her gender identity and her parents and school are supportive of that. And yet, you’ve decided that she’s delusional and that her parents are either incompetent or permissive liberals.

For all you know, this young girl might attend Sunday School every week and save and donate her pennies to the Muscular Dystrophy Foundation. For all you know, one or both of her parents could be a minister, rabbi, Sunday School teacher, child psychologist, Iraq veteran or tireless volunteer with Habitat For Humanity.

Your disgusting, rude and inappropriate “red herring” comment about a family dog reveals more about who you are than all of your other comments.

What on Earth does a child’s sense of their gender identity have to do with bestiality? Are questions like that the kind of critical, analytical thinking “guidance” that you impart to your children?

Asking a question like that is as pointless as my speculating that your beliefs/”delusions” may lead you one day to stone your neighbor to death because she was committing adultery with another neighbor. Actually it’s FAR less appropriate or relevant than that, because there are actually religious instructions to do JUST THAT in cases of adultery. I guess that is one of the “traditions/boundaries” that you may choose to ignore.

I will offer this in response to your bizarre, delusional and perverted hypothetical question:

A) I have worked for many years with trans people of all ages and most recently, exclusively with gender non-conforming children and youth. There has never been a single instance in which one of them has shown any interest in having sexual relations with an animal…not even a goldfish.

On the other hand, YOU thought up the question. I want to be as sensitive as I can on this, but umm….perhaps these kinds of fantasies relate to something that you’ve considered in the past? If so, and if this is a call for help, I suggest you contact a therapist in your area that works with people who are attracted sexually to animals.

B) I’m certain that if, for some unfortunate reason, ANY child developed an interest in sex with a family pet (unrelated as it is to their gender identity) that the parents would provide clarity and explain to the child why that wasn’t appropriate, healthy, emotionally rewarding or condoned. I know that would certainly be what I would tell MY child. You, on the other hand, may be more confused or conflicted about the matter, judging by your out-of-context question.

Finally…YOUR “reality” may revolve around your genitalia. Your vision of yourself as a male human being may be based solely on your penis. If so, then I must inform you that I believe you are short-sighted and intellectually and emotionally under-endowed.

“Reality” used to mean that a black man who looked at a white woman could be hung with no repercussions. “Reality” used to mean that children could be forced to work in sweat shops 12-hours a day. “Reality” used to mean that women could not vote. “Reality” once meant that a Catholic couldn’t be President, or a black man couldn’t be a legitimate candidate for President or that people would never fly, walk on the moon or cure polio.

Reality evolves through education, curiosity and vision. Give all three a try sometime. You might find a way to optimize the amazing gift of gray matter you’re carrying around on your shoulders.

For all those who aren’t as obsessive as I am about staying on top of what the pro-theocracy, uber-conservative segment of American culture is saying not just about “us”, but more importantly, about our children, read on.

This comes from the “news” arm of James Dobson’s American Family Association. Emphasis is mine…

Colorado School Encourages Gender Confusion In Second-Grader

Allie Martin - OneNewsNow - 2/12/2008 1:00:00 PM

Pro-family activist Peter LaBarbera says the case of a second-grade boy in one Colorado school who wants to be identified as a girl shows that the country has normalized deviance.

Staff at a public school in (Location deleted) are preparing to accommodate the second-grader, who wants to attend classes dressed as a girl and be addressed with a girl’s name. The school will allow the boy to use a unisex bathroom, and they are giving parents packets of information on transgendered people.

Peter LaBarbera, president of Americans for Truth, says the real victims of the supposed “diversity policy” are the young man’s classmates. “If the parents are so misled to encourage their child in this gender-confused behavior, they should not be allowed to teach that same behavior to all the other students in the school,” argues LaBarbera. “I think it’s a terribly sad situation. This boy needs help, the parents need help, obviously.”

The pro-family advocate says it is also troubling that the pro-homosexual group “Trans-Youth Family Advocates” has been working with the school district. He says such groups are “in the business of mainstreaming gender confusion” — but somehow manage to work their way into the schools under the guise of being “consultants.”

Being that I am the transwoman who founded (along with 3 non-trans parents) TransYouth Family Advocates in 2006, served as its first Executive Director and President of the Board and who created, defined, designed and presented the earliest and very effective in-service workshops to elementary, middle and high-schools around the nation, I have to call bullshit on this last paragraph.

From the very beginning, it was my belief (shared by the parents I worked with) that we would NOT discuss homosexuality or sexual orientation whatsoever, other than to emphatically explain how a child or youth’s gender identity has nothing whatsoever to do with their sexual orientation. I felt it was important to do this not only to clearly delineate the issues, but to also provide the schools themselves with credible “deniability” regarding promoting a “homosexual agenda”.

That being said, it doesn’t surprise me at all that the voices of religious intolerance and ignorance continue to beat an already abused drum despite all social, medical, scientific, experiential and humanistic evidence to the contrary.

As for their accusation that groups like the one I founded (TYFA) or my present organization, TransActive Education & Advocacy (TEA) are “in the business of mainstreaming gender confusion” or working our way into “the schools under the guise of being ‘consultants’”……………..

Sorry. I was laughing so hard I had to pause for a moment. (Deep, cleansing breath.)

I’m a fairly bright human being. And I must say, in all modesty, that I’m probably as knowledgeable about gender identity expression and subconscious sex as, well…anyone. I have NO IDEA WHAT “MAINSTREAMING GENDER CONFUSION” MEANS!

I don’t debate that there are gender questioning people and gender fluid people. But gender “confused”?

con·fused - (kən-fyōōzd’)
adj.

1. Being unable to think with clarity or act with understanding and intelligence. Perplexed. Conflicted. Bewildered.

I think Prof. Lynn Conway, Jamison Greene, Georgina Beyer, Mara Keisling, Marsha Botzer, Shannon Minter, Hayley Klug, Julia Serano, Dr. Marcie Bowers, Moonhawk River Stone, Malcolm Himschoot and others might have something to say about clarity, understanding and intelligence. I’ve got to say that in a debate that utilized those three attributes, I’d put my money on any of the above individuals over Mr. LaBarbera or his minions.

I have met and come to know several dozen trans-identified children & youth over my lifetime and there isn’t one of them who was ever perplexed, conflicted or bewildered about their own gender identity. OTHER people certainly were ‘confused’ by their gender identity, but they weren’t.People are frequently confused, perplexed, bewildered and afraid of things they don’t understand. It was true prior to and during the time of Christ. It was true during The Crusades. It was true during The Inquisition. It was true during the Salem Witch Trials. It was true during the Scopes Monkey Trial in the 1920’s (and that continues today in one way or another.)

I was a trans child and youth. I have NEVER ONCE been confused about my gender identity. In fact, my gender identity is about the ONLY thing in my life that I’ve been certain of throughout my entire life.

A thought: If “gender confusion” is allegedly related (in some way) to the status of one’s genitals, then it’s only logical that men with small penises or who are impotent are (or should be) somewhat more “gender confused” than men with large penises or potent. Discuss among yourselves.

con·sult·ant - /kənˈsʌltnt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhn-suhl-tnt]
–noun
1. a person who gives professional or expert advice:

Despite Mr. LaBarbera having used quotation marks around the word consultant, I fully embrace that word as being descriptive of what it is I, my associates with TransActive and those who work with other organizations do. We also educate, advocate and support not only the children, youth and their families, but the schools, communities, healthcare providers, social service agencies and legal entities that are in a position to interact with these children and youth.

We are experts on this issue. We are professionals on this issue. I have shared my 50+ years of experience in the field of gender identity experience, expression and interaction with doctors, lawyers, teachers, administrators, trans peers, children, youth and parents. That experience has, at times, been rejected, disregarded, ridiculed and, in some instances, used to hurt me in very personal and painful ways. But that goes with the territory of being not just a trans advocate, but being a TRANS advocate.

There is one part of being a consultant that I wish we more fully embraced. That’s the part where consultants get paid the BIG $$$ for what they do.

I’m proud of the fact that I played a role in getting my old organization to where they are today, but I doubt they are rolling in dough. I do know that my advocacy work over the past 2 years with both that group and TransActive has not changed my tax bracket in an upwardly mobile direction. It has changed my tax bracket though…

If you are as outraged as I continue to be by these attacks on gender non-conforming children, youth and their families, then join me in speaking up and speaking OUT for them.

Send TransActive your calm, well thought out, respectful letters and emails about this issue and we will forward them to the school administration to demonstrate support for this family and their child and to show them this family is not alone.

If you are so motivated, you may also send a donation through PayPal at our website to support our outreach efforts for other children and their families We currently have 3 families in the same situation as the one in Colorado, in addition to our educational work with schools, PTO’s, PFLAG chapters, GSA’s, etc.

It is the responsibility of those of us who have “been there” to do everything we can to make that journey to and through puberty and on to adulthood less traumatic for child and family than it was for so many of us.

Pat LaBarbera and his ilk are out to ratchet up the intolerance that our trans children face. Can we remain silent?

I saw this posted recently in a group that I subscribe to:
>
> Recently, on a group that focuses on HRT for TS people a post from a classic
> transgender received a couple of interesting replies.
>
> The post was a stupid; “I want young boobies and a big butt. I’m age 49 and I also want > erections too.”
>
> The reply included; “It’s people like you that cause people like us problems.” That post > was seconded by another member in her late 20s.
>
> There is a new generation of TS women who are not going to accept the TG agenda
> either. I am so proud!!
>
> There is hope indeed

I needed to respond to this on several levels, all of which I hope are respectful of everyone.

The use of the phrase “a classic transgender” is clearly meant as either a pejorative or an attempt to dehumanize the person who created the offensive post…or both. If we are offended by people referring to women or men of transsexual experience as “a sex-change” or “a post-op/pre-op” rather than as a person, then we should not do it to other people. The high road needs to start somewhere, it might as well start here.

Like many people, I found the statement offensive, misogynistic, fetishistic, inappropriate, sexist, self-obsessed, destructive and just plain silly. I say that having felt this way about such statements 30 years ago, 20 years ago, 10 years ago and still today.

There have ALWAYS been women of trans experience who disagree with that sort of auto-erotic, auto-gynephillic objectification of not just women in general, but transwomen specifically. And while there may now be more awareness on a gender politic level of the misogyny inherent in such statements, it is by no means “fresh” to the current younger generation of trans-identified women.

I must also share that MANY people who identify as transgender to some degree or as BOTH transgender and transsexual would agree that such statements are not only offensive to all women, but harmful to many of us when those expressions receive media exposure.

As someone who works primarily with children and youth who are gender non-conforming, I am particularly sensitive to the negative impact this can have not only on the children, but on how adults react to and treat these children. I spend far too much of my time working to overcome the “Jerry Springer-ization” of trans identity and expression.

All that being said…let’s not take ‘low road’ lessons from the Moral Majority and Authoritarian Right by implying that there is some “Transgender Agenda”. We do not want others defining for us what ‘they’ perceive to be a “Transsexual Agenda” or a “TransFeminist Agenda” or any other gross generalization or implication of how a diverse community thinks and acts.

I certainly would have (and frequently do) expressed my opinion to this person’s post in a way that was similar to the young woman who responded. However, I would never for a moment assume that their personal ideas, clearly shared by other (predominantly) late-transitioning, misogyny-poisoned male-bodied people somehow reflect a vast, “transgender” agenda/conspiracy.

I am proud when those of us who have been victimized by cissexism, misogyny, misplaced or real homophobia, generalizations and violence rise above joining the voices of intolerance.

I am proud when we take the high road and attempt to shed light, rather than drive full-speed into the darkness.

Dividing NEVER conquers. It only divides.

Peace,

Jenn Burleton
Portland, OR

Freedom of speech (in all its forms) is, perhaps, the most valuable human right of all, and the implied freedom from oppression as a result of that speech is equally important. I cherish this freedom and would not ever want to restrict another person’s right to do so under any (do NOT yell “Fire” in a crowded theater!) circumstances. I say and believe all this while balancing copies of the Bill of Rights and the Magna Carta on my head as I type.

That being said, it has occurred to me that blogs are like assholes…everybody has one. And some of them are written by HUGE, incontinent assholes.

One such blog is called “The Right Rant” (http://therightrant.blogspot.com/). It is produced (I hesitate to say ‘written’, since it’s content seems to be more intestinal than cerebral) by this guy named Ed.

Recently, Ed decided to “produce” some of his ideas about a gender non-conforming third-grader in Colorado who is in the process of transitioning with the support of family, friends, school administrators and an organization I founded but am no longer affiliated with.

Here is some of Ed’s “product”, as well as follow-up comments by one of Ed’s ummm….fellow floaters.

“It’s bad enough when schools indoctrinate our third graders with radical liberal dogma…but seizing the opportunity of a (transgender) kid who likes womens’ clothes to proselytize third graders into accepting alternative-lifestyle pedogogy is beyond abhorent.”

“If you are a discerning reader, you probably are asking yourself, why are they using the term “transgender” when the 9 year old did not have a sex change? The author of the article wants you to think that men who prance around in womens’ clothes are comletely normal and they didn’t choose to be cross-dressers.”

“Third graders being indoctrinated into believing that literally any perversion is the norm and should not only NOT be judged, but embraced.”

‘Floater’ Kevin commented:
“Do you know why we shouldn’t treat this boy like normal boys and girls? Because he isn’t normal! I’m sorry but if i went to school with that kid, I would probably make fun of him… until he graduates from high school and goes to work at a women’s clothing store full time.”

To which Turd-In-Chief Ed responded:
“Who knows if the kid is gay or not, or if he just likes womens’ clothes. At 9, you can’t tell. Only as he approaches sexual maturity can one determine orientation. Until this kid reaches adulthood and chooses to have a gender reassignment surgery, he remains a dude and must dress like one.

What kills me is this kid’s indulgent parents who don’t say, “Life blows kiddo….now put on some pants!”

It was at this point that I decided to exorcise (not a typo) my freedom of speech on Ed’s blog and “produce” some ideas of my own. I tried my very best to generate these thoughts from the top floor of Jenn Central rather than the bowels of my corporate sub-basement…though I cannot tell a lie. There were audible rumblings from the boiler room.

I wrote:
Why are insults, stereotypes and prejudice your first reaction to something you don’t understand, or need more information about? This is a CHILD we’re discussing here, not some pawn to be moved around to suit yours or anyone else’s political or social agenda.

The fact of the matter is that there is a great deal of evidence that gender identity in ALL people is formed by age 4. That it is completely separate from anatomical sex (though most frequently they match to one degree or another) and that is has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

You have no idea of the pain these children experience when they are not supported and loved for who they are rather than for who others want them to be. This is not an illusion, or a whim, or an obsession. These children are not crossdressers or transvestites. CD’s & TV’s do what they do occasionally for various reasons. This child does not want to switch back and forth…this child identifies as female.

You can not “beat the girl” out of her or psychologically abuse her into being what you might consider “normal”. And if you endorse teasing, humiliating or bullying these children in school, then quite frankly, you will be an accessory to their potential suicide…which 50% of gender non-conforming children at least consider, and far too many succeed in doing.

Just because YOU don’t understand it does not make it wrong, anti-Biblical or the work of Satan.

If you’d like more accurate information about this issue as it relates to children, then please contact our organization. If not, then please at least do not continue to assume you understand this enough to endorse and inflict further abuse, intolerance and psychological harm on this child, her family and others like them.

Respectfully,

Jenn Burleton
Executive Director
TransActive Education & Advocacy
transeducate@comcast.net

That was pretty reasonable, wasn’t it? Mature? Measured? Coherent? Respectful? I think so.

Now, I need to tend to the ‘Boiler Room’. It’s about to go China Syndrome on me.

In a stunning decision late this afternoon, Federal District Court Judge Michael W. Mossman issued a temporary restraining order that will postpone Oregon’s Domestic Partnership law from going into effect on January 2, 2008, despite its passage earlier this year by the Oregon State Legislature. I am adding my voice to what I’m sure will be a rapidly growing chorus of dismayed human rights advocates in the aftermath of this judicial setback.

It’s been a tough year for human rights and equality if you happen to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or, particularly, trans. We have seen legislative cowardice and betrayal on passage of the Employment Non-Discrimation Act (ENDA) and the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Bill (a betrayal supported by the Human Rights Campaign). I personally witnessed the President of HRC, Joe Solmonese, be something significantly less than honest and forthcoming about HRC’s committment to passage of a trans-inclusive ENDA in his keynote speech before an audience of 1,000 trans human beings, including many high-visibility trans rights activists & advocates.

We’ve seen a ramping up of the rhetoric against not just GLB human beings, but most insidiously against trans people, especially children and youth. Not a week goes by without some conservative political or religious coalition, organization, group, club or cabal going public with their objection to a child or youth’s expressing their gender identity in a way that is non-conforming to hetero-normative standards. From Maine to Maryland, Florida to Indiana, Wisconsin to Texas, Missouri to Colorado or California to Washington, these enemies of human rights strike out at those who are different.

They claw their way out of a cave of intolerance and point fingers, spread lies and threaten our elected representatives. They petition school boards because a 10-year old gender non-conforming child is using the “wrong” bathroom. They terminate people’s employment because they equate their gender-identity transition with a lack of trustworthiness, dependability or mental stability. They protest a high school drama department’s decision to stage the play “RENT” because it has, *gasp!* a sympathetic and positive portrayal of not just gay characters, but trans characters as well.

And what makes this so insidious? Well, that may be the greatest socio-cultural sleight-of-hand trick in history. While the focus is supposedly on “sexuality” and “who one sleeps with”, in reality it’s about behavior and presentation. In fact, those who oppose marriage equality, hate crimes protections or gay rights in general themselves say “We don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own bedrooms. Just don’t flaunt it.”

This is the part Barney Frank, Joe Solmonese and even some within the trans population won’t acknowledge. It’s the part the Alliance Defense Fund, American Family Association, Phyllis Schlafly, Mike Huckabee and George Bush can’t understand. The voices of intolerance have distracted us with the shiny object in their left hand (same sex physical acts) while pulling the wool over our eyes with their right hand regarding gender  expression & transgression.

Anti-gay sentiment in this country has never been about who sleeps with whom. It’s about how far from gender conforming behavior/presentation someone drifts. It’s about the “too feminine” male child/youth/adult or the “too masculine” female child/youth/adult. People aren’t discriminated against because someone has WITNESSED who they’ve had sex with. People (straight/gay/bi & trans) are discriminated against because of the conclusions someone comes to based upon their prejudicial expectations regarding gender-appropriate behavior.

“Straight-acting” gay men and women generally suffer less oppression and discrimination than their “gay acting” (read gender non-conforming) counterparts.

“Passable” (as gender conforming women & men) generally suffer less oppression and discrimination than their “non-passable” counterparts. This applies to both cisgender and transgender people.

“Straight-acting” children (who do not yet even HAVE a sexual orientation) suffer less bullying, teasing, isolation and physical abuse than their ”gay-acting” gender non-conforming counterparts.

Each of us, regardless of our sexual orientation or gender identity, have a stake in this fight for human rights. We have a stake in this because there are those who want to continue weighing exactly “how much equality” we will be granted based not upon WHO WE LOVE or are intimate with, but upon WHO WE ARE and how we express that. And they start by imposing that measurement on our children and youth.

Each of us is unique. Our children and youth a treasure. Before they are born, we say “I don’t really care if it’s a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy and happy baby.” We must all work together to build a world in which they are not forced into a self-expression cookie cutter of someone else’s making. We must stand up for them by first standing up for ourselves.

This is my response to a post someone made re: my recent appearance on a radio show discussing how families can best support a transgender family member. I like the way it turned out…thought I’d share it here.

The original post is intact, including spelling and punctuation. To listen to the original radio broadcast this post refers to, click on this link: http://kboo.fm/node/5254

* * * * *

“R”,

Thank you for listening to the interview, your thoughtful comments and for sharing your sense of self-identity with regards to gender identity and sexual orientation. Please see below for my response to some of the points you raised.

“— In Women-Born-Transsexual@yahoogroups.com, ‘R’ wrote:

Some thoughts as to what I thought as I heard the show. Curious, why the constant use of the term transgender for everyone else?”

The reason for the use of the umbrella term “transgender” is that it is commonly utilized to address a wide-range of gender identity expression. My goal (and the point of the show) was not to define or represent a segment of the gender non-conforming population, but rather to reach out to families of individuals (particularly children) who may find themselves at many different points on the gender continuum.

I had, roughly, 15 minutes max to introduce myself, talk about the work my organization does with children and youth and then, somehow, couch it all within the framework of the show’s topic. Transgender is an inclusive term that aptly describes the vast majority of our potential audience, particularly children & youth.

“Myself that’s not a term which I in anyway use as part of my identity other then the fact I am lesbian therefore transgressing what society considers “normal” gender behaovour. But just because of being transex or transexual it does not make me or those friends of mine, TG.”

It is my opinion that terminology is out there for people to use. My use of the word transgender in the advocacy work I do in no way implies a requirement that you identify with that word.

In order to not get bogged down in the ever-shifting sands of “PC” verbiage, I use transgender to reference people who have a gender identity that is, in some way or other, inconsistent with their assigned birth gender. That gender identity may, or may not, also be in conflict with their anatomy.

I use the term “cisgender” to reference people whose gender identity is congruent with their assigned birth gender and anatomy. I do my very best to not use words like “normal” in regards to anyone because it is simply a synonym for “conformity”.

I support you in your stance that another person’s use of the word “transgender” does not make you or your friends, per se, transgender.

“I was also kind of surprised to hear your talk on the typical idea of boy or girl type toys, ie barbie and GI Joe and trucks. To me the message there should have been toys are toys and both can enjoy playing with either.”

I completely agree with you about toys themselves not having an innate assigned gender. And of course, I agree that children (and adults) should be allowed to choose, play with and enjoy any toy they desire. That being said, the focus of my participation on the show was to communicate with people who may have children who are gender non-conforming in some way, not to elucidate my personal beliefs regarding non-gendered toy selection. We agree on the point, but we simply disagree on what is a proper forum to discuss the point.

“For me barbies were not a huge thing in my life, same with others I know. I would have been more like a tomboy in that sense along with my child hood friend.”

“Yes some kids who are trans may enjoy barbies others trucks but just the same other male listed children who are not transexual also enjoy barbies.”

Nor were Barbie’s a major component of my childhood. I neither longed for one, nor spent much time thinking about them. I draw no particular conclusions from that observation other than it was simply my personal experience.

On the other hand, the vast majority of female identified gender non-conforming children (age 5 & up) that we have worked with do show a distinct interest in traditionally feminine toys & objects (Barbie & Bratz dolls, Little Mermaid, jewelry, make-up, etc.) The opposite is true of male identified gender non-conforming children we have worked with.

The reality of the situation, from our perspective, is that children who are visibly gender transgressive in their interests get noticed more than children who are not. And the degree to which they get noticed is directly correlated to the societal double-standard regarding gender expression.

As you self-described, a “tomboyish” 8-year old will not set off that many alarm signals, because we allow female assigned children far more leeway in their gender expression than we do male assigned children. And tomboyish behavior in a male assigned, female-identified child will appear to others as, well…gender normative to some extent.

This is one reason why many transmen first identify as lesbian, rather than trans. Their “tomboyish-ness”, while somewhat transgressive, falls within the range of tolerated female gender expression…albeit on the “more masculine, probably going to be a lesbian” side of that barbed-wire fence. Gender transgression in birth assigned boys however, is a far more anarchic act. It gets noticed immediately and is subjected to exponentially more negative cultural and familial blow-back.

My goal in doing the interview was not to express my own wide-ranging opinions on gender identity oppression, gender identity suppression, terminological misappropriation, post-op transsexual identity vs. pre-op/non-op gender expression, lesbians (as opposed to dykes, femmes, butches, queers, genderqueers, etc.), trans-dykes, trannyfags or any of the myriad other boutique identities we all encounter and embrace for ourselves. Each of those subjects (and more) are certainly worthy of their own forum and deserve to be explored in depth.

At the end of the interview, my goal was simply to have been a voice of support to parents, family, friends and allies of transgender and gender non-conforming people, particularly children and youth. To have given them something to think about with regards to loving each other and to have opened a door perhaps to families who are just now recognizing the struggle their child may be facing with regards to their gender identity.

I love having gender 201, 301, 401 and up discussions and theoretical exchanges. This radio show, in my opinion, was not the place for that discussion.

“Just my two cents

‘R’”

Your thoughts are worth far more than that. Thank you for them, and for providing the catalyst for me to respond. Have a rewarding and wonderful New Year.

Peace,

Jenn Burleton
Executive Director
TransActive Education & Advocacy
www.transactiveonline.org

There were two individuals invited to deliver a luncheon keynote address to the attendees of the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta, Georgia this past September. One of those individuals is a major heavy hitter in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy (if there is such a thing.)

He played a primary role in arranging the nationally televised debate with most of the major Democratic candidates for President on the LOGO Network. He personally sat on the panel alongside Melissa Etheridge and Jonathan Capehart and asked questions of Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich, Bill Richardson, Dennis Kucinich and Mike Gravel. He even managed in the course of the 2-hour debate to ask the candidates a question about a transgender issue. Just one question.

The other keynote speaker was me, a relative unknown in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy (if there is such a thing.)

I was given the honor of presenting the Saturday luncheon keynote as a result of my role in founding TransYouth Family Advocates, an organization working with children, youth and families and my work as the director of the YouTube film, “Out Of The Shadows”.

I’m not one of the people who gets invited to sit at VIP tables, or interviewed by The Blade, The Village Voice, The Advocate or Curve. I’ll probably never sit beside Melissa Etheridge or Ellen DeGeneres discussing LGB”T” issues. The organization I work with as Executive Director, TransActive Education & Advocacy, does not have a recognizable logo that graces bumper stickers, t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, banners or storefronts. I don’t claim to speak for anyone other than the children, youth and families with whom we directly work at the grassroots level.

Unlike the other keynote speaker, I wasn’t in the slightest demand prior to my keynote address, and really, in very little demand after my keynote address. There weren’t many people, and certainly very few heavy-hitters in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy (if there is such a thing) queuing up to speak with me or ask my opinion of issues related to the trans community.

The other keynote speaker presented his message to a packed house on Friday. Everyone knew that what he had to say was important. It was significant. It was, after all, coming from the very lips of one of the heavy-hitters in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy (there IS such a thing).

I presented to a somewhat less than packed house at the Saturday luncheon.

I’m not saying that those who were there weren’t entertained, moved or challenged by what I had to say. Many of them told me they were. It’s just that, by the time I got up to speak, I had been preceded by another of the heavy-hitters in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy (there IS such a thing) and perhaps everyone thought that she was, in fact, the keynote speaker and simply left when she was through. Or…perhaps they left because they had no earthly idea who I was (not being a heavy-hitter in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy), and therefore, what could I possibly have to say that would be worth hearing?

Now, please understand that I’m not complaining about the audience size. I was honored and thrilled to speak to those who were there and I believe we all shared a moment at the conference that we will not soon forget.

And I am most assuredly not complaining about not being considered a heavy-hitter in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy…and yes, there is one. Let me just say that MANY of the people considered to be in that hierarchy deserve their positions of leadership.

It’s time though for me to speak out about the major difference between Friday’s keynote speaker, Mr. Joe Solmonese of the Human Rights Coalition (a heavy-hitter in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy) and Jenn Burleton (me), a mere gnat on the windshield of the LGB”T” bus.

The major difference between us is that one of us stood in front of nearly 1,000 conference attendees and lied about their personal and organizational commitment to transgender inclusive rights legislation. I want to be absolutely clear in that. ONE OF US LIED….

One of us sold out not only the adult attendees at that conference, many of whom have jobs that are going to hang in the balance of the lie that was told to them, but one of us lied, in absentia, to all of the transgender and gender non-conforming children and youth who keep hoping that they have a future in this country. The speaker that lied sold out our children and youth in order to maintain “access to power” and to solidify their position as a heavy-hitter in the LGBT leadership hierarchy…at least with a certain member of Congress from the state of Massachusetts.

Shame on that person. Shame on those organizations who stood with that person under the guise of moving forward incrementally. Our children are dying, in part because they don’t see a future for them as transgender adults…and using transgender employment rights as a bargaining chip is the worst kind of betrayal.

That individual not only has the pink slips of countless unemployed trans adults on their hands, they will have the blood of too many trans youth and adults on their hands because those people see, yet again, that when the time comes for some equal rights heavy lifting, a few of the heavy-hitters in the LGB”T” leadership hierarchy take a smokescreen break.

In case you haven’t guessed by now, the liar wasn’t me. Being the lightweight I am, I was far too busy clinging to the windshield.

Jenn Burleton
Portland, OR

I keep thinking that at some point in life I will cease being surprised by things about myself. Or more specifically, there will be no more surprises. I suppose when that time comes…it will probably be my final surprise.

Today, as I was fixing a snack for my gal and I, one of my favorite films of all time came on TV. “The Magnificent Seven” was a watershed experience in my life. It was released when I was 6 years old, not too long after my awareness of the conflict between my true gender identity and the body I was traveling through life in.

The film was not only a terrific action western, it was a morality play about standing up to overwhelming odds in order to do the right thing. It was about a few dedicated people overcoming racial prejudice, the strong abusing the weak and facing your fears in order to find your true nature. It was a valuable bit of imagery for me to see at that point in my life.

It was also the first time I remember seeing Steve McQueen on screen. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was my first crush…infatuation…boyfriend. In fact, I didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago. And that’s about, oh…a 47 year delay between ‘love’ at first sight and actually understanding what was going on.

In those days, as my infatuation with Steve grew more pronounced, so did my internalized homophobia, though it wasn’t called that at the time. Almost everyone felt uncomfortable with the very idea of same-sex attraction back then, so there was no need to give a specific name to our collective prejudice.

I told myself that I just really admired his “acting” or that he was just so “cool”. You know, the words guys use when they are trying to explain why they really, really like something about some other guy. I told myself that right through grade school…junior high school and high school. I ‘admired’ him in “The Great Escape” (’63), “The Cincinnati Kid” (’65), “The Sand Pebbles” (’66), and “Bullitt” (’68).

I still ‘admired’ him in his final film in 1980, “The Hunter”. That was several years after my transition, but I remained unable to openly acknowledge my physical and emotional attraction to him as anything other than admiration. You see…in my mind, liking a boy “that way” meant that I was, in some way, gay. And in my mind, being gay reinforced the thought that I would always, somehow, be a boy.

Which brings me to my revelation.

As I was preparing our snack with the TV on in the background, I began recanting to my partner, for what must have been the 50th time, my obsession with Steve…err….Mr. McQueen. As always, she listened politely, letting me ramble on.

“I realize now that Steve McQueen was the first male I had a crush on when I was a little girl.” I said in mid-stir of tuna salad.

Suddenly, I went silent. My partner asked me if everything was alright. I told her yes and went back to stirring the tuna.

Everything was alright…but it wasn’t the same. And while I wanted to tell her what had just occurred, I realized there would be little point. It was one of those moments that only certain people can understand. It was a trans-centric experience.

You see, that was the first time I had ever said the words “when I was a little girl” without it having been a calculated re-gendering of my childhood experiences. It was just the way I remembered it. It was, finally, the reality of who I am integrating with who I was.

I don’t expect many people to understand what that felt like. As much as they want to think they “get it”, it’s the kind of thing no cisgender person will ever be able to truly understand. They will nod and try to empathize, but it’s simply so far removed from their life experience as to be incomprehensible.

I don’t know if it will last, but for one short moment I felt historically congruous and it felt amazing and…different.

Thanks Steve. You’re still my hero. I truly did have the coolest first boyfriend ever…even if it took me 47 years to realize it.

Jenn Burleton
November 2007
Portland, Oregon

Update: I had removed this posting, not at the request of the family themselves, but in response to a communication with a third party. Since that time, I have received many emails from people who felt this post was helpful to them, to families and others who may be dealing with the challenges associated with gender non-conforming identity. Since I removed this original post, the third-party I spoke to has made several public statements of their own regarding Ian’s passing. For that reason, and in response to the many requests I’ve received, I am once again posting my feelings and sense of loss at the death of this remarkable young man.

*****

I lost a friend yesterday.

He wasn’t my best friend, or my oldest friend. He wasn’t a drinking buddy, golf partner, wingman, school chum, former lover, next door neighbor or casual acquaintance. He was just my friend.

Ian was a special guy. Everyone knew that. You could see it. You could feel it. And if he let down his guard a little, you became even more aware of how remarkable he was.

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty smart gal. Quick with a quip…know a little bit about a lot of things…informed just enough to have an opinion on just about everything. But I always suspected that Ian knew something I didn’t. I believe Ian was smarter than me, and I don’t say that out loud about too many people.

Ian was taller than I am. Taller than most people, in fact. As a result of that, I think he always slouched a little bit, to try and not take up too much space, or stand out anymore than necessary.

Ian had better hair than I do. The last time I saw him it was long and wavy. He looked much more like a rock star than I do…and I have, in fact, been a rock star at various times in my life. Ian would have been completely at home on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine with a smokin‘ hot, candy apple red Gibson Les Paul in hand. Except for the fact that he was painfully shy.

Ian was painfully many things. Painfully intelligent. Painfully sensitive. Painfully aware of the world he lived in. Painfully different. Painfully inquisitive. Painfully lonely. Painfully courageous. Painfully transgender.

Ian was also deeply loved. His mother, herself an unassuming yet confident woman, loved her son with all her heart. She loved him precisely for who he was, not in spite of who he was. She loved him for being her child. And she worked hard to prepare this world for Ian, because it was clear in so many ways that no matter how hard she and others tried, Ian was not prepared for the world.

Ian’s father loved his son too. It may have been harder for him to come to grips with having a son rather than a daughter, but he tried his best. And through it all, he loved Ian.

And Ian’s younger brother loved him. He loved Ian the way most younger brothers love an older sibling. He loved Ian no matter what his friends might think or say. He loved Ian for looking out for him. He loved Ian for showing him that people come in all different kinds of packages, and that is a good thing. Ian’s brother loved him…and I loved Ian’s brother for that.

I didn’t know Ian for all that long. And we didn’t spend much time together. We did, after all, live more than 2,000 miles away from each other. But we did understand each other.

Ian and I walked through much the same space and since Ian was shy, the fact that not many words needed to be exchanged was an added bonus. As with all things, we didn’t share everything in common…in fact, on the surface we couldn’t have been more different.

I’m older, Ian was…well…less older. I’m a transwoman, Ian was a transman. We both were raised in the snowy cold Midwest, though I came from a dysfunctional, poverty stricken family while Ian came from a loving, nuclear upper middle class family.

Ian was a gifted student. I was, let’s just say, less than gifted at the whole attending school thing. Ian had the support of his family and extended family and friends while I had none of that.

Ian had what most other people would consider to be a future. I’m not sure you would have found many people with the same feelings about me at his age.

And yet…here I am writing about my friend Ian while he is…lost.

I didn’t misplace my friend. I didn’t loseWeight Exercise track of him in the woods while were hiking, or forget where I set him down while I was cleaning house. But I lost him just the same.

Ian was 16 years old. Ian was a transman. Ian committed suicide on Monday.

We all need to find forgiveness in our hearts. We all need to realize that each of us is not just special, but irreplaceable and valuable. We all need to recognize that perfection is unattainable, because there is no standard to measure ourselves against. We are unique….we are already perfect.

We need to forgive ourselves for being transgender. I think if Ian had been able to do that, my friend might not have gotten so lost that he just disappeared.

There are so many children and youth like Ian that can be saved. But like the oxygen masks on an airplane, we must first save ourselves before we can save our children.

This year, on the Transgender Day of Remembrance, I’m going to rededicate myself to saving myself, so I can save others. It’s an appropriate day to do that for all of us. But it’s especially appropriate for me…

You see…November 20th, the Transgender Day of Remembrance is also my birthday.

We loved you Ian. We always will.

Jenn