My Dead Feminist Heart
April 15, 2009
Hate Crime Blood Lust
April 20, 2009

More Brain Droppings From Jenni

It’s the day before Sunday and I’m sitting here planning out my vid for Trannystar Galactica. For those not in the know, Trannystar Galactica is a channel on Youtube that’s trans related. Every week is a new topic and there’s a different host for each day of the week. I alternate with Mila and Jayna of Trans-ponder. It’s a fun gig for me, considering I’m a “look at me, look at me!!!” type of gal.

In order to stand out,  on my day I usually do something silly. It’s never anything very comically brilliant, but people seem to love it. This week I’m going to be doing shots of different liquors. Hopefully it’ll be entertaining, considering I can’t stand the taste of all alcohol and I’m a light weight. Whatever the results, I figure it’ll be pretty damn interesting. Yes, I’m the tranny version of Jackass.

One of the interesting by products of doing the vids is that sometimes we get a topic that gets stuck in my head and I usually have it there for weeks (probably because I’m goofy). One week was on relationship and since I’ve never been in a relationship  (either fleeting or serious), it was interesting to put into words my feeling on it. It was kind of like giving my take on what curry tastes like and considering I’ve never had the stuff yet, I’d come off like a dumb ass. Any who, I somehow got through it and people seem to liked my video. However for the next two weeks afterwards I was thinking of relationships forever.

The last time i was on there the topic was on gender binary. At the time of filming I didn’t really have a good grasp on what the term meant. What can I say, I’m a shiny example that the hypothesis that all trannies are smart is very over exaggerated. Once again I did OK with the filming and I got some very kind comments.

Now though, the idea of gender binary is stuck in my head. Do I instill the binary or do I clash against it? I don’t know why the question’s stuck in my head, but there it is. Which is kind of weird because I’ve pretty much made peace with this question last year.

At the beginning of my transition last year I was determined to pass and I didn’t want my movements or likes to clash with what others thought were female. What I was forgetting at the time is that most people are assholes and their opinions shouldn’t really matter to me in things that have to do with my being me.

I was ridiculous at first. I actually came to the conclusion that all I would wear were skirts and dresses and I would be the daintiest most fem gal out there. Part of this meant that everything I did was put under suspect by me. I was always mindful of the way I walked, talked , ate, sat, everything. It was hard work. Eventually it began to stress me out.

As much as I was unhappy living as a male I was becoming very uncomfortable and stressed living as a female. I had start the road to transition to be me finally and somehow along the way I was once again hiding the real me.

Eventually I smartened up and I stopped trying to live up to the binary and just started to be me. Which was the whole point to transitioning anyways. I just didn’t care if I came off as butch or not. There was nothing wrong with butch women anyways. Now,it’s  just me being me. I’m not paying attention to the way I walk down the street or sit down… and yes, I wearing pants. I’m more happy this way and I’m told that I’m pretty effeminate anyways,  which is always a surprise to me.

I don’t really have a point to this. This is more of a rant or a ramble. But I think if there is a point, there’s this. It’s important to be yourself and if you transition, don’t try to fit in another mold. Just be yourself. Break the damn mold. You’ll be alot happier that way.

4 Comments

  1. I never heard of the Gender Binary myself until I read it here. I rather think that alot of us felt somewhat like we had to fit into some sort of mold in the begining of our transitions. I was depressed on many occasions because i felt i was not able to fit that mold. I think as we move along that transition road though that we actually grow. We come to realize its just as you said. We have been fighting all this time with being who we really are and yet we were still trying to be what we thought others thought we should be. Once we are able to realize that and understand that just being yourself is the important thing. I know in my case it really helped me on the inside when I finally got that. I am me now. I am so proud of who I am. All it took was just opening my eyes. Stand tall, stand proud, be the true you. You will be so much happier, life is so wonderful. best wishes to all.

  2. I never heard of the Gender Binary myself until I read it here. I rather think that alot of us felt somewhat like we had to fit into some sort of mold in the begining of our transitions. I was depressed on many occasions because i felt i was not able to fit that mold. I think as we move along that transition road though that we actually grow. We come to realize its just as you said. We have been fighting all this time with being who we really are and yet we were still trying to be what we thought others thought we should be. Once we are able to realize that and understand that just being yourself is the important thing. I know in my case it really helped me on the inside when I finally got that. I am me now. I am so proud of who I am. All it took was just opening my eyes. Stand tall, stand proud, be the true you. You will be so much happier, life is so wonderful. best wishes to all.

  3. Jayna says:

    For me about the gender binary thing….I really get irked at people who push that need for us to fit into the gender binary and I also get irked at people who attack others for some sort of failure to not be against the binary enough. Peeps need to chillax.

    You are effeminate because you have long hair like a hippie or norse princess.

  4. Jayna says:

    For me about the gender binary thing….I really get irked at people who push that need for us to fit into the gender binary and I also get irked at people who attack others for some sort of failure to not be against the binary enough. Peeps need to chillax.

    You are effeminate because you have long hair like a hippie or norse princess.

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