The Battle For Self Determination Of One’s Own Identity Is A Just One
April 28, 2013
Seven Transphobic Tropes Debunked
April 29, 2013

I am truly sorry

I know that seeing my name here on Transadvocate might trigger and anger a lot of you or at the very least, surprise you. I hurt a lot of my brothers and sisters during my romp in TS separatist land a while back. I was a pure bigot at the time and I really didn’t know that I was. When is the last time a bigot knew they were a bigot?  Only ex-bigots know they were bigots. I caused emotional damage to a lot of you and at the time I was doing this I thought I was fighting for a righteous cause. I even had this magic ability to diagnose, over the Internet, who was or wasn’t transsexual or transgender. I had magical powers that could determine your own identity for you.

But then in March of last year something happened that made me step back and look at myself. The cotton ceiling happened and I saw my sisters being drug through the mud and worse. Shamed and humiliated for being trans. When I saw this I was absolutely disgusting with myself. My heart ached for my part in hurting my own community. A community that is desperately in need of being accepted for who they are. Why should I have the right to define myself but not allow others to do the same? I went into hiding for the most part hoping the pain would go away but it never did.

So here I am to put myself in front of my community who I abused and ask for forgiveness. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me but I am hopeful. And for those who have wanted to confront me, yell and scream at me over the years, I invite you to do this in the comment section. I absolutely deserve it.  I am also opening myself up to attacks from people who have a lot of dirt on me in the non-trans-inclusive radical feminist community who I snuggled up with the entire time. This is one thing that has kept me so silent over the last year. I am terrified by it but realize I need to face this if I am ever to be set free from my own self-imposed oppression.

So, this is a short post but hope I will be able to write more for transadvocate if you all allow me to.

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  • I’d also like to know what it was that caused you to see things differently and change your mind. By knowing what causes those sparks, we can help more people become tolerant.

    • Perhaps I should write a blog posting about this to give more details.

  • I am a trans woman of faith who is also in recovery. Everything in my life these days is about forgiveness and grace. Saying I’m sorry, making amends…it’s not only the one way I get to live, I work to share that understanding.

    Admitting I’m wrong doesn’t rewrite history. Forgiveness means I don’t have to continue living in that history. Every single time another person does this, the world just gets to be a little more just, a little more righteous, a little more loving and brighter place. And a wonderful start to my day.

  • Crossposted from our exchange elsewhere:
    Personal attacks can have real world consequences. I don’t know that I want to give you and ***** the satisfaction of knowing what yours cost me, but some things aren’t made all better with “I’m sorry.”

    I’ll leave it at that… But don’t expect everyone to just forget.

    • Mercedes, thanks for posting this comment. I realize that my former TS Separatist agenda hurt a lot of people. However, it wasn’t my intention to harm others. I thought I was fighting a just cause. This is the same attitude that some hate groups have such as the WBC or right wing extremists. While their agenda causes real harm, they are not aware of it.

      I am painfully aware of it now and have suffered depression, anxiety and panic attacks over my part in the hate I spread. In fact, I was feeling great anxiety when I came to read your comment because I figured more of the reality of what I did would slap me in the face. And believe me, I would get no satisfaction in knowing how I harmed you but i do think it would help others like my former self to see there are real consequences to their agendas.

      I am sorry I hurt you.

  • Well I am glad that you apologized. Most biggots do not admits their wrong doings.

    But if they knew what they did was wrong, then they would not have apologized , right? 😉

    We all have been biggots or hypocrites at one point or another in our lives. Every single one of us. It exist inside the community as well. But it takes true courage to admit your wrong doings of your past.

    • Thanks! I know what it feels like to truly be a bigot. There are some out there who will never know what it feels like. Either because they are a bigot or they never were one. I procrastinated immensely before finally taking the step to “come out” so to speak. Thanks to Christan! Who I attacked more than once.

      • Martin Luther King Jr exhorted activsts in his essay Love Your Enemies this way:

        “[W]e must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one’s enemies without the prior acceptance of the necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us. It is also necessary to realize that the forgiving act must always be initiated by the person who has been wronged, the victim of some great hurt, the recipient of some tortuous injustice, the absorber of some terrible act of oppression. The wrongdoer may request forgiveness. He may come to himself, and, like the prodigal son, move up some dusty road, his heart palpitating with the desire for forgiveness. But only the injured neighbor, the loving father back home, can really pour out the warm waters of forgiveness.

        “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt. The words ‘I will forgive you, but I’ll never forget what you’ve done’ never explain the real nature of forgiveness. Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing it totally from his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship. Likewise, we can never say, ‘I will forgive you, but I won’t have anything further to do with you.’ Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again.

        “Without this, no man can love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies.”

        I’m one who always wants to choose love and forgiveness, and I want love and forgiveness as to be a catalyst for reconciliation and new relationships.

        I’m one who hopes I can build a new relationship with Dana.

  • You have been given a great gift here, a I think about it. You _know_ the pseudo-rationale behind the bigotry which remains, and are in a great position to demolish it. Use your power only fir good 🙂

  • I would like to thank everyone for reading this and especially the support you are giving me. Thank you!

    • Well, you know how I feel about it, girl 🙂

      I’m glad to have you blogging here!

  • I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, Dana, but please accept my virtual one.

    May grace and mercy follow you always.

    • Thank you Autumn! That means a lot to me! hugs back.

  • It takes a lot to own up to your past, I know, I have my own past that I regret . I know that I can’t take away the pain I caused others, but I hope in the work I’ve done since has put my karmic debt in balance. I hope to see you write here more.

  • We all makes mistakes. At one time I was part of the Aryan Nations when I was growing up. I made fun and beat people up as it’s what I thought to be right. Then I had to step back and look at things and realized I was wrong. The past is the past and can not be changed, however tomorrow is a new day full of new choices.

  • Dana, it’s easy to fall into a position and then vigorously defend it as you did. Especially in the midst of transition, where there is a struggle to find something of a new identity for one’s self. I know for my part, my opinions on all things trans shifted all over the map and it wasn’t until I mentally stepped away from the politics of it that I began to get some real perspective.

    I know you’re inviting anger towards yourself in this post, but I don’t think it’s warranted. If people are mad at you, so be it. Let them say what they will, but ultimately that doesn’t really matter. If you feel you are in a better place, you’ll express that and those who are looking for your voice will find you and engage with you.

  • Zoe Brain

    I’d be in a lot of trouble if people didn’t forgive me for my past screw-ups.

    I have many failings. but I try not to be a hypocrite – so if I may, I’ll treat you as others have been kind enough to treat me. Forgiven, of course.

    Now – how are we going to do things to help in the future? That’s the important thing now we’ve all forgiven each other for being human, thus fallible.

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  • I am curious to know more about your “epiphany” if you don’t mind sharing. We all can be hurtful, intentionally or not, and it takes courage to re-evaluate your position and admit you are wrong in the light of new evidence.

  • I admire your ability to re-evaluate your position and apologize for the hurt you say you have caused. We all do hurtful things, intentionally or otherwise, and it is a hard thing to recognize and be truly remorseful. I am curious to find out a little more detail of your “epiphany” if you wouldn’t mind sharing.

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