Same Ole “Ball and Crain” Dreams
June 2, 2007
It’s All Greek To Me: The Transgender – Homosexuality Death Match
June 8, 2007

Confessions of A Ex-Ex-Transgender

You’ve probably heard of the ex-gay movement. You may have even heard of the ex-ex-gay movement. Odds are slim that you know anyone that is ex-transgender. But have you ever known anyone that is ex-ex-transgender?

You have if you’ve read this blog.

In 1997 I confessed to my wife that I’d cross-dressed most of my life. After her initial shock wore off, she began to accept and integrate this part of me into our marriage. This was an activity that I’d never told anyone about, much less participate in with another person in. In late 1997 I began to realize that I might not be a crossdresser, but that something deeper was hidden underneath all the shame. My wife, the love of my life, had told me in no uncertain terms that if I was a bisexual or transsexual, our marriage would be over. Those two facts were playing a tug of war in my mind for months that caused me to go into a cycle of depression. In January of 1999 things finally came to a head, this looming thing was something I knew that I couldn’t hide from myself any longer. Crying curled up in a ball in the middle of my bed, I realized I couldn’t rid myself of this. I didn’t want to die, but I couldn’t keep living this way. In the desperation of the moment, I cried out to God.

For the next two years, I dove head first into the bible. I joined Horizon Christian Fellowship South, led by Pastor Tony Smith. The church was very bible centered, and the services were more educational than they were emotional. My days and nights away from the church, my head was either stuck in a bible, or on the net researching and or debating theology.

I felt part of my call was to evangelize online with other men that had suffered through gender dysphoria and were struggling with this sin. It was the early days of the Internet then, blogs were still years away. The only place you could freely post your thoughts were either on AOL discussion boards, or on Usenet. I started a group over at Dejanews.com called Nikao (which in Greek means overcome, conquer, or victory). I spent hours writing and debating on Usenet, the power of Christ’s redeeming love. My growing obsession blossomed and I decided it was time to start making preparations for Bible College.

The very thing I thought would save my marriage, doomed it. The deeper I immersed myself into Christ, the angrier my wife became. She said “you’re just replacing one part of your life with another. As long as you are in that group (Nikao) you’re still in it, just from a different angle.” She saw how radically it effected my behavior, turning me into someone she couldn’t stand to be around. On August 25th, of 2000, the wheels fell off our marriage. My wife of six years hated me so much she physically assaulted me. Her assault and time in jail solidified the end of our marriage.

In the traumatic days that followed, members of my church were supportive, albeit, distant. With the impending divorce and custody battle, I leaned on my pastor for guidance and support. In my fight for custody, I asked him to go to court with me. Knowing that my wife would play the transvestite defense, I asked him to stand before the court and testify to my church activities and my attendance. He told me he would “pray about it” and get back with me. He never did. Needless to say, I lost custody of my daughter.

In November of 2000, I started seeing a therapist about my gender issues. One of the most profound concepts she ever taught me was the difference between desire and action. She said something to the effect that “you can modify your actions, but you can’t modify your desires.” Desire is a physical response to an external stimuli. You can say you don’t like chocolate, but you can’t make your mouth stop watering when you smell it. You can be ex- transgender, gay, bisexual, in action, but not in desire.

Coming across a post entitled “Transsexual Fraud” at Trading My Sorrows.com blog, reminded me of my ex-trans past. With the media exposure and growing cultural acceptance of a more fluid gender identity, I’m sure that these types of online ministries will pop up more and more (to join Reality Resources and New Hope Outreach).

Christ said:

“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.” – Matthew 15-20

The ex-trangender life I experienced was anything but peaceful, truthful, or accepting. My hope is that my fellow human beings who are dealing with the challenges that come along with gender identity variance look at the “fruit” of their life and decide to follow the path which is the most fertile for fruit to grow.

In the end I’m not really ex-ex- anything. I’m me. I hope that anyone that in my situation finds a path to this much peace and truth. I hope they find an orchard full of the fruit like the one that continues to fill my life with blessing after blessing.

34 Comments

  1. risa bear says:

    Some of us (2 M2F, 2 F2M) were giving a presentation, told all about the suicide rates, the difficulties put in our way, our tragedies, but also our triumphs. And during the Q&A an audience member STILL said “So why don’t you all just tough it out?” Two of us broke down and cried. I can’t IMGINE trying to be ex-me after it took me all of 55 years to get here (58 now and finally happy!) Thank you for your story.

    risa b

  2. risa bear says:

    Some of us (2 M2F, 2 F2M) were giving a presentation, told all about the suicide rates, the difficulties put in our way, our tragedies, but also our triumphs. And during the Q&A an audience member STILL said “So why don’t you all just tough it out?” Two of us broke down and cried. I can’t IMGINE trying to be ex-me after it took me all of 55 years to get here (58 now and finally happy!) Thank you for your story.

    risa b

  3. It seems to me that until any of us can explore ourselves without any fear of what we will find, then we simply change the masks we all wear. Society is such a strong impact in molding our beliefs that it can be tricky to know who the real “me” is. The reflection in the mirror is merely the taxi that carries me around. It isn’t the core of who I am. So we’re left naked to face the truth of us as only we can, while others can only look on with confusion, smiles or disdain.

  4. It seems to me that until any of us can explore ourselves without any fear of what we will find, then we simply change the masks we all wear. Society is such a strong impact in molding our beliefs that it can be tricky to know who the real “me” is. The reflection in the mirror is merely the taxi that carries me around. It isn’t the core of who I am. So we’re left naked to face the truth of us as only we can, while others can only look on with confusion, smiles or disdain.

  5. ForS says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey with the world.

  6. ForS says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey with the world.

  7. Allyson says:

    Count me in, too. (I’ve commented on your blog before, Christine.)

  8. Allyson says:

    Count me in, too. (I’ve commented on your blog before, Christine.)

  9. Allyson says:

    Count me in, too. (I’ve commented on your blog before, Christine.)

  10. “I haven’t personally heard any stories from any ex-ex-trans folks, so I’m really glad to read this. I knew there had to be some out there…”

    Actually, Autumn Sandeen http://transadvocate.com/autumnsandeen is XX-trans too. She writes over at exgaywatch and her blog here, and Pam’s House Blend.

  11. “I haven’t personally heard any stories from any ex-ex-trans folks, so I’m really glad to read this. I knew there had to be some out there…”

    Actually, Autumn Sandeen http://transadvocate.com/autumnsandeen is XX-trans too. She writes over at exgaywatch and her blog here, and Pam’s House Blend.

  12. Thanks for sharing your story (and thanks to exgaywatch.com for linking here).

    I haven’t personally heard any stories from any ex-ex-trans folks, so I’m really glad to read this. I knew there had to be some out there…

    We have a question on our FAQ at beyondexgay.com: “What about trans and genderqueer people?” and the response begins “(cricket, cricket)”

    Thanks again.

  13. Thanks for sharing your story (and thanks to exgaywatch.com for linking here).

    I haven’t personally heard any stories from any ex-ex-trans folks, so I’m really glad to read this. I knew there had to be some out there…

    We have a question on our FAQ at beyondexgay.com: “What about trans and genderqueer people?” and the response begins “(cricket, cricket)”

    Thanks again.

  14. Trent says:

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Someone once told me ‘Who we are is God’s gift to us. Who we become is our gift to God.’
    From 80,000 species of beetles to every weird animal in australia and under the sea, boy does God love diversity.
    Nothing is more divine than having the courage to be all that we are and then share that with the world.

    Love you

  15. Trent says:

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Someone once told me ‘Who we are is God’s gift to us. Who we become is our gift to God.’
    From 80,000 species of beetles to every weird animal in australia and under the sea, boy does God love diversity.
    Nothing is more divine than having the courage to be all that we are and then share that with the world.

    Love you

  16. Unless it’s racist or libelous, I don’t edit any comments made on any of my websites.

    I spent years wanting to kill myself for the pain and destruction I caused. I understand triggers.

    It’s odd, I had to come to a realization that I had to accept blame, while understanding at the same time where it came from. I fucked up. It wasn’t malicious, or from a place of knowledge.

    I’ve moved on, and so has she. I think we’re both in a better place for it.

  17. Unless it’s racist or libelous, I don’t edit any comments made on any of my websites.

    I spent years wanting to kill myself for the pain and destruction I caused. I understand triggers.

    It’s odd, I had to come to a realization that I had to accept blame, while understanding at the same time where it came from. I fucked up. It wasn’t malicious, or from a place of knowledge.

    I’ve moved on, and so has she. I think we’re both in a better place for it.

  18. sabrinastar says:

    Marti, i’m sorry about losing it like that. It’s just that’s one of my biggest triggers. I can’t remember the last time i used language like that and i won’t be offended if you edit my comment.

  19. sabrinastar says:

    Marti, i’m sorry about losing it like that. It’s just that’s one of my biggest triggers. I can’t remember the last time i used language like that and i won’t be offended if you edit my comment.

  20. sabrinastar says:

    Marti, i’m sorry about losing it like that. It’s just that’s one of my biggest triggers. I can’t remember the last time i used language like that and i won’t be offended if you edit my comment.

  21. sabrinastar says:

    Jaisne,

    News flash! Transpeople do not owe anyone an apology for existing.

    We don’t get to have neat lives because we are mindfucked by our parents, religious leaders, teachers, and just about every other adult in our lives from the moment we’re born. It kind of messes you up.

    The expectations placed on us are not fair to us when we try to live them out (and fail); and they are not fair to the people who get swept up in our attempts to follow the script either.

    People get hurt in the process — but trying not to be transgender is what we’re told to do so it is not, it is NOT, a fucking lie or deceit. Okay?

    ::takes deep breaths and tries to calm down::

  22. sabrinastar says:

    Jaisne,

    News flash! Transpeople do not owe anyone an apology for existing.

    We don’t get to have neat lives because we are mindfucked by our parents, religious leaders, teachers, and just about every other adult in our lives from the moment we’re born. It kind of messes you up.

    The expectations placed on us are not fair to us when we try to live them out (and fail); and they are not fair to the people who get swept up in our attempts to follow the script either.

    People get hurt in the process — but trying not to be transgender is what we’re told to do so it is not, it is NOT, a fucking lie or deceit. Okay?

    ::takes deep breaths and tries to calm down::

  23. “It sounds like you have replaced gender different obsession with religious obsession, neither are healthy.”

    HAD. 🙂

    But yes, I most surely did replace one with another. Honestly, I think it was a survival instinct kicking in.

    “Yes, those who are truly transsexual are small within the world of transgender. The process of transitioning is not fun, easy or simple and one must truly be TS to be helped by this. For those who are truly TS, it is a life saving and spiritually enriching process. This process is part of my history.”

    ? What is truly TS? Every time someone says this, I am stunned by it. Hell, one of my ex lovers was a drag queen and lives full time with NO surgery and NO hormones.

    “From your post, it’s not very clear what you are (transgender, transsexual, transvestite, living as a man, living as woman, etc), besides you.”

    Not that it should matter, but I’m a transgender/transsexual m2f.

    “Also, I you owe your former wife a HUGE apology. You put her through a living hell with your lies and deception. And you used religion to further oppress her.”

    I think that apology was paid for by her repeatedly punching me in the face, and destroying my relationship with my daughter. and step-son(neither of whom I’m not allowed to see).

    I am very sorry for putting her through what I did.

    “In fact, you almost seem to be not too sorrowful what wrecking her life.”

    I’ll will always carry guilt for what happened. I’m human, I make mistakes and it’s a mistake that I can’t undo.

    I would say that I didn’t “ruin her life.” She’s happily remarried, so I think she got passed it.

  24. “It sounds like you have replaced gender different obsession with religious obsession, neither are healthy.”

    HAD. 🙂

    But yes, I most surely did replace one with another. Honestly, I think it was a survival instinct kicking in.

    “Yes, those who are truly transsexual are small within the world of transgender. The process of transitioning is not fun, easy or simple and one must truly be TS to be helped by this. For those who are truly TS, it is a life saving and spiritually enriching process. This process is part of my history.”

    ? What is truly TS? Every time someone says this, I am stunned by it. Hell, one of my ex lovers was a drag queen and lives full time with NO surgery and NO hormones.

    “From your post, it’s not very clear what you are (transgender, transsexual, transvestite, living as a man, living as woman, etc), besides you.”

    Not that it should matter, but I’m a transgender/transsexual m2f.

    “Also, I you owe your former wife a HUGE apology. You put her through a living hell with your lies and deception. And you used religion to further oppress her.”

    I think that apology was paid for by her repeatedly punching me in the face, and destroying my relationship with my daughter. and step-son(neither of whom I’m not allowed to see).

    I am very sorry for putting her through what I did.

    “In fact, you almost seem to be not too sorrowful what wrecking her life.”

    I’ll will always carry guilt for what happened. I’m human, I make mistakes and it’s a mistake that I can’t undo.

    I would say that I didn’t “ruin her life.” She’s happily remarried, so I think she got passed it.

  25. Jaisne Blue-Sexton says:

    From your post, it’s not very clear what you are (transgender, transsexual, transvestite, living as a man, living as woman, etc), besides you. It’s great that you’re feeling better about yourself now, whoever you have decided you are.

    Also, I you owe your former wife a HUGE apology. You put her through a living hell with your lies and deception. And you used religion to further oppress her. In fact, you almost seem to be not too sorrowful what wrecking her life.

  26. Jaisne Blue-Sexton says:

    From your post, it’s not very clear what you are (transgender, transsexual, transvestite, living as a man, living as woman, etc), besides you. It’s great that you’re feeling better about yourself now, whoever you have decided you are.

    Also, I you owe your former wife a HUGE apology. You put her through a living hell with your lies and deception. And you used religion to further oppress her. In fact, you almost seem to be not too sorrowful what wrecking her life.

  27. rupunzel says:

    It sounds like you have replaced gender different obsession with religious obsession, neither are healthy. Yes, those who are truly transsexual are small within the world of transgender. The process of transitioning is not fun, easy or simple and one must truly be TS to be helped by this. For those who are truly TS, it is a life saving and spiritually enriching process. This process is part of my history.

    The human condition is not black & white male, female, masculine, feminine but rather many shades of color and tone. It is time culture and society learns to accept and support this fact of being human. Religion has been used thru history to control social behavior for the benefit of those in power. Remember, the bible was never written in English, it has been translated and interpreted by those with an agenda. Also remember the bible is a human creation and not a life’s owners manual. There are many paths towards spirituality and no one path is correct for all. Discovering the truth about oneself and accepting this goes a long way towards inner peace. No one other than yourself has the ability to tell you or decide who you truly are.

  28. rupunzel says:

    It sounds like you have replaced gender different obsession with religious obsession, neither are healthy. Yes, those who are truly transsexual are small within the world of transgender. The process of transitioning is not fun, easy or simple and one must truly be TS to be helped by this. For those who are truly TS, it is a life saving and spiritually enriching process. This process is part of my history.

    The human condition is not black & white male, female, masculine, feminine but rather many shades of color and tone. It is time culture and society learns to accept and support this fact of being human. Religion has been used thru history to control social behavior for the benefit of those in power. Remember, the bible was never written in English, it has been translated and interpreted by those with an agenda. Also remember the bible is a human creation and not a life’s owners manual. There are many paths towards spirituality and no one path is correct for all. Discovering the truth about oneself and accepting this goes a long way towards inner peace. No one other than yourself has the ability to tell you or decide who you truly are.

  29. Norm! says:

    I was referred to your post from ExGayWatch.com today. I just want to thank you for sharing your story.

  30. Norm! says:

    I was referred to your post from ExGayWatch.com today. I just want to thank you for sharing your story.

  31. Jill Jay says:

    I have crossed swords with the likes of Tony Smith, et.al., as my time line of transition from male to female closely matches that of this author(ess?). Only a small minority of transgendered individuals are in fact transsexual. However, for those of us who are, there is no point in fighting it. If you are a Star Trek fan, one can liken it to the Borg; “Resistance is futile, you WILL be assimilated,” (or die). It’s only a matter of time.

    But if you are not transsexual, don’t drive yourself crazy by transitioning. You wont like it.

    My prayer for this person, (and for all those transgendered), is that each finds his or her way to their own truth. Should that truth mean yes to transiiton, may they find peace in their journey and its destination, as I did.

    If their truth instead tells them that no, transition would be a mistake then may they also find peace and solice and know that they need never hang their head in shame.

    Jill Jay
    Phoenix AZ

  32. Jill Jay says:

    I have crossed swords with the likes of Tony Smith, et.al., as my time line of transition from male to female closely matches that of this author(ess?). Only a small minority of transgendered individuals are in fact transsexual. However, for those of us who are, there is no point in fighting it. If you are a Star Trek fan, one can liken it to the Borg; “Resistance is futile, you WILL be assimilated,” (or die). It’s only a matter of time.

    But if you are not transsexual, don’t drive yourself crazy by transitioning. You wont like it.

    My prayer for this person, (and for all those transgendered), is that each finds his or her way to their own truth. Should that truth mean yes to transiiton, may they find peace in their journey and its destination, as I did.

    If their truth instead tells them that no, transition would be a mistake then may they also find peace and solice and know that they need never hang their head in shame.

    Jill Jay
    Phoenix AZ

  33. Brian says:

    I found your blog through the Washington Blade Blog Watch. Thank-you for sharing your story. It was beautifully crafted and I’m sure reflects the inner beauty you have begun to find. I hope others read this and take comfort.

    Blessings.

  34. Brian says:

    I found your blog through the Washington Blade Blog Watch. Thank-you for sharing your story. It was beautifully crafted and I’m sure reflects the inner beauty you have begun to find. I hope others read this and take comfort.

    Blessings.