Am I A Liar?

The Many Faces Of Mara Keisling: The Death of United ENDA?
March 7, 2008
Taking Pot Shots At Trans Rights
March 25, 2008

Am I A Liar?

I had someone IM me off of OkCupid and ask me about my profile. They liked my writing style and asked me a lot of questions about profile writing. It wasn’t a relationship, connection kinda IM, but one of me helping her. During the conversation, I talked about why I wasn’t hopeful finding relationships at all. I explained that I am trans, and she said that I should be more obvious about it, that I was being dishonest.

I always thought it was obvious that if you look at my profile you’d know I’m a transsexual. I put links to my personal blog, my transadvocate blog, and I’ve discussed it in this journal. The reality of my life is that I am transbodied. My hormones, my skin, fat distribution, and my breasts are consistent with a female body. I’ve not had surgery yet, so genitally, I’m a non-functioning male that’s been chemically castrated. Is that something I need to put in my profile?

What I’ve learned in my life is that MOST men and women are full of shit when they say it’s more about love than it is genitals. If that were true I’d have people breaking down my damn door. I’m not ugly, I’m employed, I’m a writer, I’m intelligent, I’m funny, and I’m compassionate.

I don’t put it as a central focus in my profile because it’s not a central focus in my life. Thing is, I’m unique in so many different ways, I don’t think I’ll ever have a long term partner ever again. I’m poly, I don’t believe in sexual labels, and I’m trans. The layering in that is too deep to understand or even explain in a website.

I put my profiles on different sites hoping that my message in a bottle connects with someone enough on here to want strike up a conversation. But like that stranded traveler, I don’t put out much hope.

*hums the Gilligan theme*

Do you think I’m being dishonest? If so, how could I state that I’m a transsexual without bring in the fetishists that are looking for sexual encounters (put transgender or transsexual in your profile and that’s what you’ll get). How can I expect someone to see past my transsexuality, if I make it a main focus?

(I originally posted this at my OkCupid journal):

91 Comments

  1. Felix says:

    No, of course you’re not a liar. 🙂 I shall be contacting you about this privately, hon. x

  2. Nicole says:

    I would say no. I am amused at the comments on the journal. Mostly the one that equates it with herpes.

  3. Nicole says:

    I would say no. I am amused at the comments on the journal. Mostly the one that equates it with herpes.

  4. nexy says:

    no, you’re not being dishonest, but you’re also avoiding (or purposely neglecting to identify) a particular fact about yourself that is a deal breaker for a majority of the population. so i’d say that you’re probably being either unrealistic or naive, or perhaps a bit of both.

    that may seem harsh, but from my experience, i see the world’s population in two groups. those that don’t care that i’m trans, and those that do care. i want nothing to do with those people who care that i’m trans. when i was looking for dates, i was very upfront about my transness. and that filtered out all the people for whom it would be a deal breaker. and that worked well for both me and them. neither of us wasted our time or energy on someone with whom we could not build a successful relationship.

    see, for those people, “deceiving” them about my transness would be seen as dishonest, and they would never have wasted their time with a mere trans woman. and for me, honesty is one of the primary building blocks in a successful relationship. and for the people who don’t care, being upfront about my transness didn’t amount to a hill of beans. so it certainly couldn’t hurt my chances with an eligible partner.

    and regarding the infamous “tranny chasers” who would date me just because i’m trans, well, i’ll be honest. some of them were really nice guys who i dated for a while. and some of them were assholes, who i didn’t date for very long. you know, welcome to womanhood – some guys (or gals) are assholes, and just want to get in your pants because, well, they can.

    either way, you’re going to kiss a lot of frogs before your find your prince or princess.

  5. Yuki Choe says:

    No, you are definitely NOT a liar. You are one of the most honest and straightforward people I met on the net. Hey, you are the one who admitted you are a trans to that person in OkCupid, that is an act of HONESTY.

    So if she has a problem with it, it remains her problem. It is amazing how most people deal with other people by the basis of a sex orgain rather than a person.

    “either way, you’re going to kiss a lot of frogs before your find your prince or princess.”

    I totally agree with Nexy here, I kissed so many frogs my lips turned GREEN (Yikes!). Fortunately, my husband do not mind my lips being used to green and painted it red again. So if I can find one, I see no problems with that.

    All it takes is patience and time, love and tenderness. Whoever learns to love you Marti, would really love you. That is better than rushing for someone who may end up using you or worse, trying to take your life on the first date with the guise of being ‘cheated’ by a trans.

  6. Yuki Choe says:

    No, you are definitely NOT a liar. You are one of the most honest and straightforward people I met on the net. Hey, you are the one who admitted you are a trans to that person in OkCupid, that is an act of HONESTY.

    So if she has a problem with it, it remains her problem. It is amazing how most people deal with other people by the basis of a sex orgain rather than a person.

    “either way, you’re going to kiss a lot of frogs before your find your prince or princess.”

    I totally agree with Nexy here, I kissed so many frogs my lips turned GREEN (Yikes!). Fortunately, my husband do not mind my lips being used to green and painted it red again. So if I can find one, I see no problems with that.

    All it takes is patience and time, love and tenderness. Whoever learns to love you Marti, would really love you. That is better than rushing for someone who may end up using you or worse, trying to take your life on the first date with the guise of being ‘cheated’ by a trans.

  7. somethingtobe says:

    No, you weren’t lying. Selectively withholding information is not lying. Everyone withholds information on dating sites. Unfortunately, from what I’ve heard from friends, profiles that explicitly state that someone is trans don’t get many responses, and some of the responses they do get are from fetishists. Since you linked to your blogs, the accusation of lying is even more ludicrous.

    My partner and I met online, and her profile made no reference to the way she was born. I was pretty ignorant of trans issues at the time (I’d never actually met anyone I knew was trans) and when I found out, I reacted badly because I was ignorant. After the initial bad reaction I educated myself and apologized profusely for being such an ass. She forgave me. We’re still together, I’m an advocate, and the rest is history.

    My point here is that even you choose to tell someone after you’ve been talking to them for awhile, and even if there’s an initial freak-out, they may get over it and decide it doesn’t matter to them. Hell, you may even make any advocate of them, not just a date/partner. You’re not doing anything wrong. I’d say you’re doing a lot of things right!

  8. somethingtobe says:

    No, you weren’t lying. Selectively withholding information is not lying. Everyone withholds information on dating sites. Unfortunately, from what I’ve heard from friends, profiles that explicitly state that someone is trans don’t get many responses, and some of the responses they do get are from fetishists. Since you linked to your blogs, the accusation of lying is even more ludicrous.

    My partner and I met online, and her profile made no reference to the way she was born. I was pretty ignorant of trans issues at the time (I’d never actually met anyone I knew was trans) and when I found out, I reacted badly because I was ignorant. After the initial bad reaction I educated myself and apologized profusely for being such an ass. She forgave me. We’re still together, I’m an advocate, and the rest is history.

    My point here is that even you choose to tell someone after you’ve been talking to them for awhile, and even if there’s an initial freak-out, they may get over it and decide it doesn’t matter to them. Hell, you may even make any advocate of them, not just a date/partner. You’re not doing anything wrong. I’d say you’re doing a lot of things right!

  9. Patti says:

    No, you are not lying. You state that you are Trans in the profile, that is all they need to know at this time. At some time in the future when a face to face meeting happens and you have detirmined that you want to know this person much more itintimatly, that is the time to divulge more details.

    I have counseled a number of trans folk on getting a job. I tell them that it is no ones bussiness whether or not that are trans until a interview happens. This is the time that a prospective employer has the right and the need to know about the gender status.

    I find most transfollk to be very honest. Maybe to much so.

  10. Patti says:

    No, you are not lying. You state that you are Trans in the profile, that is all they need to know at this time. At some time in the future when a face to face meeting happens and you have detirmined that you want to know this person much more itintimatly, that is the time to divulge more details.

    I have counseled a number of trans folk on getting a job. I tell them that it is no ones bussiness whether or not that are trans until a interview happens. This is the time that a prospective employer has the right and the need to know about the gender status.

    I find most transfollk to be very honest. Maybe to much so.

  11. Marti Abernathey says:

    @nexy:

    I agree to a certain extent, but I find that starting out by saying, “hi….I’m trans! How are you” has a chilling effect on having someone see you as anything other than trans. It’s what is really hard in all of this. As far as tranny chasers, hell…I’m one myself. It wasn’t meant as a pejorative. I just really don’t want someone seeking me out for sex. I like transgender people as partners because they understand what I’m going through. So much of the struggles that I go through, I don’t have to explain.

  12. Marti Abernathey says:

    @nexy:

    I agree to a certain extent, but I find that starting out by saying, “hi….I’m trans! How are you” has a chilling effect on having someone see you as anything other than trans. It’s what is really hard in all of this. As far as tranny chasers, hell…I’m one myself. It wasn’t meant as a pejorative. I just really don’t want someone seeking me out for sex. I like transgender people as partners because they understand what I’m going through. So much of the struggles that I go through, I don’t have to explain.

  13. Marti Abernathey says:

    @Nicole:

    LOL. Well, I don’t see herpes as a deal breaker, but I would want someone to tell me before we ever considered intimacy.

  14. Marti Abernathey says:

    @Nicole:

    LOL. Well, I don’t see herpes as a deal breaker, but I would want someone to tell me before we ever considered intimacy.

  15. Marti Abernathey says:

    @somethingtobe:

    Ya, I do keep you both in mind. 🙂 I really do think you’re awesome, even if you don’t post to TA (hint, hint). :p

    I do believe that the moment that it’s talked about should be before ANY physical intimacy is shared.

  16. Marti Abernathey says:

    @somethingtobe:

    Ya, I do keep you both in mind. 🙂 I really do think you’re awesome, even if you don’t post to TA (hint, hint). :p

    I do believe that the moment that it’s talked about should be before ANY physical intimacy is shared.

  17. Felix says:

    Some good stuff here! But what on earth does Patti mean by saying potential employers have a need/right to know gender status????!!! They don’t, unless things are VERY different in the US. Felix (UK)

  18. Felix says:

    Some good stuff here! But what on earth does Patti mean by saying potential employers have a need/right to know gender status????!!! They don’t, unless things are VERY different in the US. Felix (UK)

  19. Patti says:

    Felix,
    They have a need to know because not all records get and stay changed. One of the most common questions on an employment application is, “Have you ever been known by another name?”. If it ever comes out and it may, your employer should know this ahead of time to head off problems from other employees and not be blindsided. You may feel the need to hide this from your employer, but I feel they should know and that should be the end of the discussion, unless the employer intends to be discriminatory which as time goes forth less and less are doing.

  20. Patti says:

    Felix,
    They have a need to know because not all records get and stay changed. One of the most common questions on an employment application is, “Have you ever been known by another name?”. If it ever comes out and it may, your employer should know this ahead of time to head off problems from other employees and not be blindsided. You may feel the need to hide this from your employer, but I feel they should know and that should be the end of the discussion, unless the employer intends to be discriminatory which as time goes forth less and less are doing.

  21. Tobi says:

    Patti,

    Wouldn’t that entitle employers to know about any previous names? For many of us, that means coming out, but for others it doesn’t. My parents gave me a gender neutral name and I haven’t changed it. If I had changed it, telling people my old name wouldn’t out me as trans.

    And even if there is something else they would need to know that would out you, wouldn’t it be better to wait until after the interview? I mean, if I’ve got a same-sex partner, I’ll have to eventually tell HR in order to get domestic partner (as opposed to spousal) benefits. But usually that’s not something that I bring up in the interview — and I believe employers aren’t allowed to ask about it. I’ve always thought it’s better to avoid the opportunity for discrimination and wait until your position is final. That seems to be how non-discrimination laws are set up in other areas.

  22. Patti says:

    You may have a point. I was not refering to being Gay. In that I agree that it is none of their business period. As far as being Trans, most the time they will find out anyway (SS records and such). I feel that it is being honest with the employer. You might be able to get away with it if you transitioned while very young, but a great many of us aren’t in that boat.

  23. Patti says:

    You may have a point. I was not refering to being Gay. In that I agree that it is none of their business period. As far as being Trans, most the time they will find out anyway (SS records and such). I feel that it is being honest with the employer. You might be able to get away with it if you transitioned while very young, but a great many of us aren’t in that boat.

    • Tobi says:

      Patti,

      Wouldn’t that entitle employers to know about any previous names? For many of us, that means coming out, but for others it doesn’t. My parents gave me a gender neutral name and I haven’t changed it. If I had changed it, telling people my old name wouldn’t out me as trans.

      And even if there is something else they would need to know that would out you, wouldn’t it be better to wait until after the interview? I mean, if I’ve got a same-sex partner, I’ll have to eventually tell HR in order to get domestic partner (as opposed to spousal) benefits. But usually that’s not something that I bring up in the interview — and I believe employers aren’t allowed to ask about it. I’ve always thought it’s better to avoid the opportunity for discrimination and wait until your position is final. That seems to be how non-discrimination laws are set up in other areas.

  24. Patti says:

    You may have a point. I was not refering to being Gay. In that I agree that it is none of their business period. As far as being Trans, most the time they will find out anyway (SS records and such). I feel that it is being honest with the employer. You might be able to get away with it if you transitioned while very young, but a great many of us aren’t in that boat.

  25. Tobi says:

    Ah, that makes sense. In addition to being young, I’m lucky enough to telecommute and I had a phone interview. Now I’m racing the clock to see if I can change my SS records before they get reviewed along with the tax season.

  26. Tobi says:

    Ah, that makes sense. In addition to being young, I’m lucky enough to telecommute and I had a phone interview. Now I’m racing the clock to see if I can change my SS records before they get reviewed along with the tax season.

  27. Felix says:

    Thanks for your posts, Patti and Tobi. Employers in the UK are not allowed to ask any questions about your gender or partner’s details. They may ask about previous names to cross-check criminal records and National Insurance contributions but that’s all. If “John” shows up as formerly “Mary”, for example they are not allowed to disclose this to anyone except those colleagues for whom it is necessary for record-keeping. If they do we can take legal action against them. Any mention of an employee’s sexuality is also illegal unless it is to that employee to ascertain they are getting the benefits to which other couples are entitled. Transpeople can have birth certificates changed if they wish and the whole paper chase destroyed but not all of us do so 🙂

  28. Felix says:

    Thanks for your posts, Patti and Tobi. Employers in the UK are not allowed to ask any questions about your gender or partner’s details. They may ask about previous names to cross-check criminal records and National Insurance contributions but that’s all. If “John” shows up as formerly “Mary”, for example they are not allowed to disclose this to anyone except those colleagues for whom it is necessary for record-keeping. If they do we can take legal action against them. Any mention of an employee’s sexuality is also illegal unless it is to that employee to ascertain they are getting the benefits to which other couples are entitled. Transpeople can have birth certificates changed if they wish and the whole paper chase destroyed but not all of us do so 🙂

  29. Felix says:

    Thanks for your posts, Patti and Tobi. Employers in the UK are not allowed to ask any questions about your gender or partner’s details. They may ask about previous names to cross-check criminal records and National Insurance contributions but that’s all. If “John” shows up as formerly “Mary”, for example they are not allowed to disclose this to anyone except those colleagues for whom it is necessary for record-keeping. If they do we can take legal action against them. Any mention of an employee’s sexuality is also illegal unless it is to that employee to ascertain they are getting the benefits to which other couples are entitled. Transpeople can have birth certificates changed if they wish and the whole paper chase destroyed but not all of us do so 🙂

  30. nexy says:

    …I find that starting out by saying, “hi….I’m trans! How are you” has a chilling effect on having someone see you as anything other than trans.

    as opposed to saying “My name is Marti, and I’m a little bit fruity. What does that mean? It’s an easy way to say that I’m queer.”?

    are you saying that stating in your first paragraph of your profile that you’re fruity and queer has less of a chilling effect than saying you’re trans? it’s ok that people see you as anything other than queer, but anything other than trans is not ok?

  31. nexy says:

    …I find that starting out by saying, “hi….I’m trans! How are you” has a chilling effect on having someone see you as anything other than trans.

    as opposed to saying “My name is Marti, and I’m a little bit fruity. What does that mean? It’s an easy way to say that I’m queer.”?

    are you saying that stating in your first paragraph of your profile that you’re fruity and queer has less of a chilling effect than saying you’re trans? it’s ok that people see you as anything other than queer, but anything other than trans is not ok?

  32. Sorry… (sheepish)… I’ll post soon. Haven’t had time for my political writing lately because we just moved in to a new apartment and my life is still in boxes.

    • I find it bizarre that once someone finds out that a person is trans, they suddenly feel entitled to know about the surgical state of the genitals and make assumptions based on that.

      You’re not lying, you’re presenting yourself the same way you live — as a woman. The only people who honestly need to know any further are intimate partners (or, if you’re like me and get pre-emptive about it, prospective intimate partners). And that’s only until one is post-op… (although personally, I think it’d be a little suffocating to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t know and to have to hide it / never talk about it).

      Quote: What I’ve learned in my life is that MOST men and women are full of shit when they say it’s more about love than it is genitals.

      Oh, I don’t know, I’m more interested in the person than the parts attached, but I’m bisexual. So that’s easy for me. My partner’s going in for her surgery soon, and I don’t really believe that her change in genitalia is going to change how I feel about her for the better or worse. Feel free to check back with me in a few months on that.

      Either way, I do think that bi- folk have an easier time of wrapping their brains around us, especially if dating during a time when someone is approaching surgery or working toward it — and trans bi- folk even moreso.

  33. Sorry… (sheepish)… I’ll post soon. Haven’t had time for my political writing lately because we just moved in to a new apartment and my life is still in boxes.

  34. Jillian says:

    The girl you were talking with obviously made a judgment against you and called you a liar. So what, block her on OkCupid. Not sure that i see any point to focusing on this topic as you have no control over her reaction or how she feels about transgendered people and dating. Seems it’s in your better interest to refocus your energy on trying to make new, positive lasting relationships with people who will like you for who you are, as an individual.

  35. Jillian says:

    The girl you were talking with obviously made a judgment against you and called you a liar. So what, block her on OkCupid. Not sure that i see any point to focusing on this topic as you have no control over her reaction or how she feels about transgendered people and dating. Seems it’s in your better interest to refocus your energy on trying to make new, positive lasting relationships with people who will like you for who you are, as an individual.

  36. Marti Abernathey says:

    @nexy:

    Stating my sexual orientation is flexible is different that saying what my genital configuration is. I don’t want people seeing me as trans first… I want them to see ME as a person.

  37. Marti Abernathey says:

    @nexy:

    Stating my sexual orientation is flexible is different that saying what my genital configuration is. I don’t want people seeing me as trans first… I want them to see ME as a person.

  38. Marti Abernathey says:

    @Jillian:

    She has every right to make that judgment and I think she’s pretty awesome. It’s not a big deal to me, really. Just an observation from two different vantage points.

  39. Marti Abernathey says:

    @Jillian:

    She has every right to make that judgment and I think she’s pretty awesome. It’s not a big deal to me, really. Just an observation from two different vantage points.

  40. Do you think I’m being dishonest?

    No chance.

  41. Do you think I’m being dishonest?

    No chance.

  42. Jay says:

    My two cents:

    You’re not being dishonest nor should you change anything, unless you believe it is best for you.

    For this other person you are being dishonest, but that is their issue, not yours.

    Take care,
    Jay

  43. Jay says:

    My two cents:

    You’re not being dishonest nor should you change anything, unless you believe it is best for you.

    For this other person you are being dishonest, but that is their issue, not yours.

    Take care,
    Jay

  44. queen emily says:

    Just repeating what everyone else has said, there really is no right way for a trans person to come out, and be considered a proper human being worth dating by a lot of people. We have a different set of criteria applied to us for “truthfulness”–I mean, who *doesn’t* ask a cis person what their entire medical history is before you go on a first date?

    You’ll never please everyone, what you have there is fine.

  45. queen emily says:

    Just repeating what everyone else has said, there really is no right way for a trans person to come out, and be considered a proper human being worth dating by a lot of people. We have a different set of criteria applied to us for “truthfulness”–I mean, who *doesn’t* ask a cis person what their entire medical history is before you go on a first date?

    You’ll never please everyone, what you have there is fine.

  46. Susan says:

    Having checked out your profile, Marti, it would seem your sexual orientation is not “flexible”; you state clearly in several places you are gay. And though you don’t mention hetero females, you do say you are not interested in straight males other than as a friend. And, as you say above, you give several links that would lead almost anyone but the most naive to believe that you are trans as well…the link to Transadvocate alone, should one follow it, would tell them that. In short, I would say you are very honest in your profile.

    However, above, you say in response to nexy: “I don’t want people seeing me as trans first… I want them to see ME as a person.”

    If that is what you truly want I would say the approach in your profile, i.e., making it clear and up front that you are both gay and trans is a bit self defeating.

    As a general comment, Marti, and not directed at you, I do not understand those who feel an immediate need to reveal they are transsexual to someone they anticipate dating. I feel one is absolutely insane to go out on a date with any man before making absolutely sure that person knows their status if they are preop. On the other hand, I don’t see any need whatsoever in revealing one’s post op status before dating a man…ever…unless or until the relationship gets serious. Like Marti, I want men who are attracted to me to be so because I am female – a female they are attracted to – FIRST; if and when things get serious, either me him, or him me…then I cross the gender bridge.

  47. Susan says:

    Having checked out your profile, Marti, it would seem your sexual orientation is not “flexible”; you state clearly in several places you are gay. And though you don’t mention hetero females, you do say you are not interested in straight males other than as a friend. And, as you say above, you give several links that would lead almost anyone but the most naive to believe that you are trans as well…the link to Transadvocate alone, should one follow it, would tell them that. In short, I would say you are very honest in your profile.

    However, above, you say in response to nexy: “I don’t want people seeing me as trans first… I want them to see ME as a person.”

    If that is what you truly want I would say the approach in your profile, i.e., making it clear and up front that you are both gay and trans is a bit self defeating.

    As a general comment, Marti, and not directed at you, I do not understand those who feel an immediate need to reveal they are transsexual to someone they anticipate dating. I feel one is absolutely insane to go out on a date with any man before making absolutely sure that person knows their status if they are preop. On the other hand, I don’t see any need whatsoever in revealing one’s post op status before dating a man…ever…unless or until the relationship gets serious. Like Marti, I want men who are attracted to me to be so because I am female – a female they are attracted to – FIRST; if and when things get serious, either me him, or him me…then I cross the gender bridge.

  48. Marti Abernathey says:

    Susan, there are many things we disagree with, but I think we’re on the same page here. For me it’s just a matter of degrees,really.

    Honestly, I put my creative side out and am wide open about the fantastic person that I am. I want people to see that first, before they tattoo me with trans. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but because it’s not the totality of who I am.

    I know it’s cliché, but I really am attracted to personalities. I’m attracted to both men and women physically, but I’ve never had the kind of emotional intimacy with a man that I’ve had with women. Not saying that I won’t ever, and that’s why I say I’m flexible.

  49. Marti Abernathey says:

    Susan, there are many things we disagree with, but I think we’re on the same page here. For me it’s just a matter of degrees,really.

    Honestly, I put my creative side out and am wide open about the fantastic person that I am. I want people to see that first, before they tattoo me with trans. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but because it’s not the totality of who I am.

    I know it’s cliché, but I really am attracted to personalities. I’m attracted to both men and women physically, but I’ve never had the kind of emotional intimacy with a man that I’ve had with women. Not saying that I won’t ever, and that’s why I say I’m flexible.

  50. nexy says:

    i’m curious as to why saying up front that one is trans, tattoos them as trans as the totality of who they are, while saying up front that one is gay, doesn’t tattoo them as gay as the totality of who they are. or does it, and being gay is somehow “better”?

    there’s no one aspect of me that amounts to the totality of who i am, but i’ve used on line profiles to build a picture of me, and being trans is a part of that. just like being jewish, or tall, or someone who enjoys romantic walks through the park.

  51. nexy says:

    i’m curious as to why saying up front that one is trans, tattoos them as trans as the totality of who they are, while saying up front that one is gay, doesn’t tattoo them as gay as the totality of who they are. or does it, and being gay is somehow “better”?

    there’s no one aspect of me that amounts to the totality of who i am, but i’ve used on line profiles to build a picture of me, and being trans is a part of that. just like being jewish, or tall, or someone who enjoys romantic walks through the park.

  52. Schala says:

    Well, I’d like to say there’s much more stigma and a “Why bother?” attitude towards trans not presented towards gays, especially if you’re gay yourself in the first place, that would be shooting yourself in the foot.

    I mean, if I was lesbian, would that scare off lesbian prospects? But if I put up that I’m trans it scares both straight and gay prospects. I have a profile on OkCupid too. I don’t mention anywhere about transition. I’ll tell when someone messages me, someone is interested, or I feel I trust the person enough. Being trans (or intersex, can’t be sure, that’s why I mention both) is something I do (transition), and while my past might inform some of my present, it isn’t much of *who* I am, rather than a category.

    Saying I’m trans won’t tell you one bit about me, except maybe suggest I take/have taken medications in some form and have or intend to have surgery someday (in most people’s minds they associate trans and surgery). It might say I face potential discrimination, too. But I face discrimination for being poor too, and I don’t advertise it.

  53. Dyssonance says:

    For many folks, when they learn you are trans, they pigeonhole you into a box that’s built up of all the trans-stuff they’ve ever experienced.

    And, because its out of the ordinary, it becomes the thing that defines you in their minds. Tends to happen that way. Einstein was defined by his achievements. So are transfolk.

    Now, that’s their problem, and that’s in part what a lot of us are working to change, and all that.

    But in the end, that’s how one becomes tattooed as trans.

    Whether that’s good, bad, or indifferent depends on the person and their understanding (or lack thereof) of what it means to be trans, as based on their experience.

    But it does and most likely will happen. Some folks are ok with that, some aren’t, and some just plain don’t give a hoot.

    hth

    Dyss

  54. Dyssonance says:

    For many folks, when they learn you are trans, they pigeonhole you into a box that’s built up of all the trans-stuff they’ve ever experienced.

    And, because its out of the ordinary, it becomes the thing that defines you in their minds. Tends to happen that way. Einstein was defined by his achievements. So are transfolk.

    Now, that’s their problem, and that’s in part what a lot of us are working to change, and all that.

    But in the end, that’s how one becomes tattooed as trans.

    Whether that’s good, bad, or indifferent depends on the person and their understanding (or lack thereof) of what it means to be trans, as based on their experience.

    But it does and most likely will happen. Some folks are ok with that, some aren’t, and some just plain don’t give a hoot.

    hth

    Dyss

  55. Dyssonance says:

    oh, and no, Marti, you aren’t a liar.

    At least, not about this.

    I don’t know enough about the rest of your life and existence to make it an unqualified statement, lol

  56. Dyssonance says:

    oh, and no, Marti, you aren’t a liar.

    At least, not about this.

    I don’t know enough about the rest of your life and existence to make it an unqualified statement, lol

  57. nexy says:

    yes, but would any self-respecting trans person actually want to be in a relationship with someone who would “pigeonhole you into a box that’s built up of all the trans-stuff they’ve ever experienced”?

    perhaps because i’ve always been upfront about my trans-ness, and by doing so filtered out all the a$$holes who would pigeonhole me, i missed out on all that fun. funny, i just never thought it a good idea to date bigots.

  58. nexy says:

    yes, but would any self-respecting trans person actually want to be in a relationship with someone who would “pigeonhole you into a box that’s built up of all the trans-stuff they’ve ever experienced”?

    perhaps because i’ve always been upfront about my trans-ness, and by doing so filtered out all the a$$holes who would pigeonhole me, i missed out on all that fun. funny, i just never thought it a good idea to date bigots.

  59. Schala says:

    Not the bigots, but people who bought into misinformation, mainly because the misinformation is larger than the information. Those people who have nothing against you if it can be explained, but cringed last week hearing about transgender or transsexual.

  60. Schala says:

    Not the bigots, but people who bought into misinformation, mainly because the misinformation is larger than the information. Those people who have nothing against you if it can be explained, but cringed last week hearing about transgender or transsexual.

  61. Dyssonance says:

    I have to admit that despite presently living in an unfriendly locale (small local area) that most people are not bigots, although they may have some prejudices that stem from misinformation.

    I’m not real keen on dating bigots either, and typically encountering one tends to mean a quick exit, and not always on my part.

    And those are the folks I was referring to. People who would be fine if they could get the information that we are about being ourselves.

    We all pigeonhole people, though. Some of us are really good at confining that pigeon holing to just the one person, and some of us aren’t. It depends on the way we structure the world and our experience of it inside ourselves.

    Several of the girls here in the House have SO’s who get it, and don’t give a damn. But some of those same people thought considerably different once. ITs a matter of getting to know people.

    Most of our daily life is not going to involve getting to know someone. ITs not going to involve that much exchange.

    That’s why I tend to favor some stores over others — it allows me to become a little better known, and to get to know the people in them better.

    That’s what allows one to step out of a box and be better known.

    Online dating services create a situation where we have to define our own box — much like Marti did — as if you don’t, you tend to not get very much interest.

    That’s basically how I see it, personally, and why when some folks (those bigots) try to insult me, its usually not very effective.

    Usually…

  62. Dyssonance says:

    I have to admit that despite presently living in an unfriendly locale (small local area) that most people are not bigots, although they may have some prejudices that stem from misinformation.

    I’m not real keen on dating bigots either, and typically encountering one tends to mean a quick exit, and not always on my part.

    And those are the folks I was referring to. People who would be fine if they could get the information that we are about being ourselves.

    We all pigeonhole people, though. Some of us are really good at confining that pigeon holing to just the one person, and some of us aren’t. It depends on the way we structure the world and our experience of it inside ourselves.

    Several of the girls here in the House have SO’s who get it, and don’t give a damn. But some of those same people thought considerably different once. ITs a matter of getting to know people.

    Most of our daily life is not going to involve getting to know someone. ITs not going to involve that much exchange.

    That’s why I tend to favor some stores over others — it allows me to become a little better known, and to get to know the people in them better.

    That’s what allows one to step out of a box and be better known.

    Online dating services create a situation where we have to define our own box — much like Marti did — as if you don’t, you tend to not get very much interest.

    That’s basically how I see it, personally, and why when some folks (those bigots) try to insult me, its usually not very effective.

    Usually…

  63. Dyssonance says:

    I have to admit that despite presently living in an unfriendly locale (small local area) that most people are not bigots, although they may have some prejudices that stem from misinformation.

    I’m not real keen on dating bigots either, and typically encountering one tends to mean a quick exit, and not always on my part.

    And those are the folks I was referring to. People who would be fine if they could get the information that we are about being ourselves.

    We all pigeonhole people, though. Some of us are really good at confining that pigeon holing to just the one person, and some of us aren’t. It depends on the way we structure the world and our experience of it inside ourselves.

    Several of the girls here in the House have SO’s who get it, and don’t give a damn. But some of those same people thought considerably different once. ITs a matter of getting to know people.

    Most of our daily life is not going to involve getting to know someone. ITs not going to involve that much exchange.

    That’s why I tend to favor some stores over others — it allows me to become a little better known, and to get to know the people in them better.

    That’s what allows one to step out of a box and be better known.

    Online dating services create a situation where we have to define our own box — much like Marti did — as if you don’t, you tend to not get very much interest.

    That’s basically how I see it, personally, and why when some folks (those bigots) try to insult me, its usually not very effective.

    Usually…

  64. Kristina says:

    Its a difficult situation. I totally see where you’re coming from. I know it doesn’t seem like a good idea mentioning that you are a transsexual, but i think it is important to be honest and open. Even if it seems like you are attracting the wrong crowd, eventually you will attract the kind of person you want to – a person who is willing to accept you for you.

  65. Kristina says:

    Its a difficult situation. I totally see where you’re coming from. I know it doesn’t seem like a good idea mentioning that you are a transsexual, but i think it is important to be honest and open. Even if it seems like you are attracting the wrong crowd, eventually you will attract the kind of person you want to – a person who is willing to accept you for you.

    • Marti Abernathey says:

      @Kristina:

      Well, I don’t think I’m being dishonest. I want someone that’s going to dig past looking at a pic, and follow my links 🙂 If they don’t or can’t do that, they aren’t very interested in me.

      • nexy says:

        no, you’re not being dishonest, but you’re also avoiding (or purposely neglecting to identify) a particular fact about yourself that is a deal breaker for a majority of the population. so i’d say that you’re probably being either unrealistic or naive, or perhaps a bit of both.

        that may seem harsh, but from my experience, i see the world’s population in two groups. those that don’t care that i’m trans, and those that do care. i want nothing to do with those people who care that i’m trans. when i was looking for dates, i was very upfront about my transness. and that filtered out all the people for whom it would be a deal breaker. and that worked well for both me and them. neither of us wasted our time or energy on someone with whom we could not build a successful relationship.

        see, for those people, “deceiving” them about my transness would be seen as dishonest, and they would never have wasted their time with a mere trans woman. and for me, honesty is one of the primary building blocks in a successful relationship. and for the people who don’t care, being upfront about my transness didn’t amount to a hill of beans. so it certainly couldn’t hurt my chances with an eligible partner.

        and regarding the infamous “tranny chasers” who would date me just because i’m trans, well, i’ll be honest. some of them were really nice guys who i dated for a while. and some of them were assholes, who i didn’t date for very long. you know, welcome to womanhood – some guys (or gals) are assholes, and just want to get in your pants because, well, they can.

        either way, you’re going to kiss a lot of frogs before your find your prince or princess.

  66. Marti Abernathey says:

    @Kristina:

    Well, I don’t think I’m being dishonest. I want someone that’s going to dig past looking at a pic, and follow my links 🙂 If they don’t or can’t do that, they aren’t very interested in me.

  67. StacyM says:

    Marty, I don’t think you are being a liar. Even if you didn’t have the links to various trans-related websites, you still wouldn’t be a liar.

    I’m of the mindset that the world is filled with people who can become quite accepting of trans folk if they actually get to know people who are transgender. Because so few people are familiar with us, one has to find someway to overcome people’s initial prejudices—prejudices that are based on a dearth of information and experience.

    So, as a general rule of thumb, I let people get to know me as a person first. If I sense that they are a kind, understanding person, I then come out to them. I’ve found that once a person gets to know me and senses that I’m a kind, caring person, my being transgender matters little to them.

    I also suspect that this tends to short-circuit people’s tendency to see me as an “ex-man pretending to be a woman.” Once people have it well seated in their minds that I’m a woman, it becomes harder to revise those perceptions than if I immediately come out as transgender.

    Since this process takes time, it’s kind of difficult to implement in a situation where one is simply dating different people, actively looking for a partner. I tend to seek out friendship, above and beyond anything else. I don’t actively seek out romantic partners. If, somewhere down the road, romantic intimacy becomes possible, that’s wonderful. If the relationship never reaches that level, then fine. Friendship is always welcome. This process feels pretty natural to me, but everyone is different…

  68. StacyM says:

    Marty, I don’t think you are being a liar. Even if you didn’t have the links to various trans-related websites, you still wouldn’t be a liar.

    I’m of the mindset that the world is filled with people who can become quite accepting of trans folk if they actually get to know people who are transgender. Because so few people are familiar with us, one has to find someway to overcome people’s initial prejudices—prejudices that are based on a dearth of information and experience.

    So, as a general rule of thumb, I let people get to know me as a person first. If I sense that they are a kind, understanding person, I then come out to them. I’ve found that once a person gets to know me and senses that I’m a kind, caring person, my being transgender matters little to them.

    I also suspect that this tends to short-circuit people’s tendency to see me as an “ex-man pretending to be a woman.” Once people have it well seated in their minds that I’m a woman, it becomes harder to revise those perceptions than if I immediately come out as transgender.

    Since this process takes time, it’s kind of difficult to implement in a situation where one is simply dating different people, actively looking for a partner. I tend to seek out friendship, above and beyond anything else. I don’t actively seek out romantic partners. If, somewhere down the road, romantic intimacy becomes possible, that’s wonderful. If the relationship never reaches that level, then fine. Friendship is always welcome. This process feels pretty natural to me, but everyone is different…

    • Dyssonance says:

      Kristina,

      please forgive me.

      THe honest and open argument is predicated on caring more about what another person thinks or feels or believes than what we think and feel and believe.

      The honest and open argument is a way of saying that we “aren’t really” women, or men. We are something other. ANd it is the perception of others that matters more than our personal perception.

      For some people, that’s fine. FOr me, that’s tantamount to my denying I’m a person who has taken the time and spent the money and done the hard work of transitioning from male to female.

      I take that seriously. I am not male anymore. For every argument using medicine that I’ve ever heard saying I am, I’ve got one saying I’m not.

      I can *entertain* the thought that I’m not female. I can argue that I am, as well, effectively.

      But, in the end, the fact that I’m living as a female, treated as a female, socialized as a female, subject to female privilege, subject to misogyny and all manner of things that are pretty much considered to be women’s stuff, I suspect that the overwhelming evidence will indicate that I am female.

      So, to me, rationally, irrationally, emotively, and spiritually, being open and honest means that I present myself as a woman and a female.

      Surgery is not special. ITs a procedure. DOzens (if not hundreds) of the same one’s are done every day.

      I don’t talk about my tonsilectomy. Or my hand surgery after I cut the tip of my finger off.

      When it comes to getting in bed with a man, well, that’s going to depend on the man.

      Some men I will tell, some I won’t. Depends on how *I* feel at that moment, about them, about me, and about us.

      Does that potentially set me up to land in a brief news report?

      Possibly. But it doesn’t mean that I am at fault. It just means that individual was pretty screwed up.

      I generally avoid people who are really screwed up. so its not come up yet.

      Subtext and following the logic of saying open and honest, outside of emotional resonance involved, led me to realize that denying who I am and placing the blame on victims are not good ideas.

      Sorry to have picked on you — its just that’s a trigger for me.

  69. Dyssonance says:

    Kristina,

    please forgive me.

    THe honest and open argument is predicated on caring more about what another person thinks or feels or believes than what we think and feel and believe.

    The honest and open argument is a way of saying that we “aren’t really” women, or men. We are something other. ANd it is the perception of others that matters more than our personal perception.

    For some people, that’s fine. FOr me, that’s tantamount to my denying I’m a person who has taken the time and spent the money and done the hard work of transitioning from male to female.

    I take that seriously. I am not male anymore. For every argument using medicine that I’ve ever heard saying I am, I’ve got one saying I’m not.

    I can *entertain* the thought that I’m not female. I can argue that I am, as well, effectively.

    But, in the end, the fact that I’m living as a female, treated as a female, socialized as a female, subject to female privilege, subject to misogyny and all manner of things that are pretty much considered to be women’s stuff, I suspect that the overwhelming evidence will indicate that I am female.

    So, to me, rationally, irrationally, emotively, and spiritually, being open and honest means that I present myself as a woman and a female.

    Surgery is not special. ITs a procedure. DOzens (if not hundreds) of the same one’s are done every day.

    I don’t talk about my tonsilectomy. Or my hand surgery after I cut the tip of my finger off.

    When it comes to getting in bed with a man, well, that’s going to depend on the man.

    Some men I will tell, some I won’t. Depends on how *I* feel at that moment, about them, about me, and about us.

    Does that potentially set me up to land in a brief news report?

    Possibly. But it doesn’t mean that I am at fault. It just means that individual was pretty screwed up.

    I generally avoid people who are really screwed up. so its not come up yet.

    Subtext and following the logic of saying open and honest, outside of emotional resonance involved, led me to realize that denying who I am and placing the blame on victims are not good ideas.

    Sorry to have picked on you — its just that’s a trigger for me.

  70. Dyssonance says:

    Kristina,

    please forgive me.

    THe honest and open argument is predicated on caring more about what another person thinks or feels or believes than what we think and feel and believe.

    The honest and open argument is a way of saying that we “aren’t really” women, or men. We are something other. ANd it is the perception of others that matters more than our personal perception.

    For some people, that’s fine. FOr me, that’s tantamount to my denying I’m a person who has taken the time and spent the money and done the hard work of transitioning from male to female.

    I take that seriously. I am not male anymore. For every argument using medicine that I’ve ever heard saying I am, I’ve got one saying I’m not.

    I can *entertain* the thought that I’m not female. I can argue that I am, as well, effectively.

    But, in the end, the fact that I’m living as a female, treated as a female, socialized as a female, subject to female privilege, subject to misogyny and all manner of things that are pretty much considered to be women’s stuff, I suspect that the overwhelming evidence will indicate that I am female.

    So, to me, rationally, irrationally, emotively, and spiritually, being open and honest means that I present myself as a woman and a female.

    Surgery is not special. ITs a procedure. DOzens (if not hundreds) of the same one’s are done every day.

    I don’t talk about my tonsilectomy. Or my hand surgery after I cut the tip of my finger off.

    When it comes to getting in bed with a man, well, that’s going to depend on the man.

    Some men I will tell, some I won’t. Depends on how *I* feel at that moment, about them, about me, and about us.

    Does that potentially set me up to land in a brief news report?

    Possibly. But it doesn’t mean that I am at fault. It just means that individual was pretty screwed up.

    I generally avoid people who are really screwed up. so its not come up yet.

    Subtext and following the logic of saying open and honest, outside of emotional resonance involved, led me to realize that denying who I am and placing the blame on victims are not good ideas.

    Sorry to have picked on you — its just that’s a trigger for me.

  71. Dyssonance says:

    Kristina,

    please forgive me.

    THe honest and open argument is predicated on caring more about what another person thinks or feels or believes than what we think and feel and believe.

    The honest and open argument is a way of saying that we “aren’t really” women, or men. We are something other. ANd it is the perception of others that matters more than our personal perception.

    For some people, that’s fine. FOr me, that’s tantamount to my denying I’m a person who has taken the time and spent the money and done the hard work of transitioning from male to female.

    I take that seriously. I am not male anymore. For every argument using medicine that I’ve ever heard saying I am, I’ve got one saying I’m not.

    I can *entertain* the thought that I’m not female. I can argue that I am, as well, effectively.

    But, in the end, the fact that I’m living as a female, treated as a female, socialized as a female, subject to female privilege, subject to misogyny and all manner of things that are pretty much considered to be women’s stuff, I suspect that the overwhelming evidence will indicate that I am female.

    So, to me, rationally, irrationally, emotively, and spiritually, being open and honest means that I present myself as a woman and a female.

    Surgery is not special. ITs a procedure. DOzens (if not hundreds) of the same one’s are done every day.

    I don’t talk about my tonsilectomy. Or my hand surgery after I cut the tip of my finger off.

    When it comes to getting in bed with a man, well, that’s going to depend on the man.

    Some men I will tell, some I won’t. Depends on how *I* feel at that moment, about them, about me, and about us.

    Does that potentially set me up to land in a brief news report?

    Possibly. But it doesn’t mean that I am at fault. It just means that individual was pretty screwed up.

    I generally avoid people who are really screwed up. so its not come up yet.

    Subtext and following the logic of saying open and honest, outside of emotional resonance involved, led me to realize that denying who I am and placing the blame on victims are not good ideas.

    Sorry to have picked on you — its just that’s a trigger for me.

  72. Polar Bear says:

    I do not find anything dishonest in how you have represented yourself. I
    do question the effectiveness of meeting partners online, but that’s not the story here. In any case, honesty with regards to partners is vital to a stable and permanent relationship. I was completely open about my transgender nature when I began dating my wife, and our honesty with each other about all matters of life is the center we live by. However, finding that special honest someone isn’t easy. I wish each of you the same good luck I had.

  73. Polar Bear says:

    I do not find anything dishonest in how you have represented yourself. I
    do question the effectiveness of meeting partners online, but that’s not the story here. In any case, honesty with regards to partners is vital to a stable and permanent relationship. I was completely open about my transgender nature when I began dating my wife, and our honesty with each other about all matters of life is the center we live by. However, finding that special honest someone isn’t easy. I wish each of you the same good luck I had.

  74. BotenAnna says:

    OK new to this blog but NOT new to OKCupid. I’ve been around the block a few times, mostly as a straight male sadly, but despite being single still I’ve had a lot of good successes on there compared to anywhere else as far as internet dating. I’ve met some great people–the problem is honestly me, as with transition and other things in life it’s hard to hold on to someone at this point.

    Anyway, I heard on some TV show that there are people that will help you do an online profile and charge lots of money for it. I should really do that, ha. In the meanwhile tho I’m gonna wikiedit your profile a bit (for free!) since I think the issue is less the trans stuff but you come off kind of negatively. Assuming you were in my area/age range, I’d be interested in you if I came across you at random on OKC but I’d be a bit tepid since you state things so negatively, and put negative disclaimers before positive “things you’re looking for”. I’m going to suggest some fixes to that… please don’t knee-jerk and be like “BUT STRAIGHT MEN WON’T PAY ATTENTION AND WILL MESSAGE ME IN DROVES AND THEN THE APOCOLYPSE!! AAA!” Sorry hon, straight horny guys who don’t read profiles will message you anyway, just don’t reply and don’t waste energy being upset. 😉 You shouldn’t be scaring off potential GOOD matches to try to prevent what should just be a minor annoyance, at most.

  75. BotenAnna says:

    OK new to this blog but NOT new to OKCupid. I’ve been around the block a few times, mostly as a straight male sadly, but despite being single still I’ve had a lot of good successes on there compared to anywhere else as far as internet dating. I’ve met some great people–the problem is honestly me, as with transition and other things in life it’s hard to hold on to someone at this point.

    Anyway, I heard on some TV show that there are people that will help you do an online profile and charge lots of money for it. I should really do that, ha. In the meanwhile tho I’m gonna wikiedit your profile a bit (for free!) since I think the issue is less the trans stuff but you come off kind of negatively. Assuming you were in my area/age range, I’d be interested in you if I came across you at random on OKC but I’d be a bit tepid since you state things so negatively, and put negative disclaimers before positive “things you’re looking for”. I’m going to suggest some fixes to that… please don’t knee-jerk and be like “BUT STRAIGHT MEN WON’T PAY ATTENTION AND WILL MESSAGE ME IN DROVES AND THEN THE APOCOLYPSE!! AAA!” Sorry hon, straight horny guys who don’t read profiles will message you anyway, just don’t reply and don’t waste energy being upset. 😉 You shouldn’t be scaring off potential GOOD matches to try to prevent what should just be a minor annoyance, at most.

  76. BotenAnna says:

    Whew! Wikiedit done. I didn’t add or say anything about the trans stuff, nor did I comment here about them, so real quick before I run out the door I don’t think it’s necessary to say you’re trans in your profile, but you need to be honest. Unfortunately on my girl profile that means I meet some interesting and fun girls who mysteriously stop messaging me after I come out to them, but oh well. I meet rad people who don’t care, too, and part of the problem is that I’m fairly pre-everything and as a lesbian myself I’m not sure I’d date me at this point, either. I just do it to meet people and practice being a girl a bit so the rejection isn’t an issue and I learn from it.

    Being open about it has its own issues that you point out, but really either method is acceptable as long as you’re ultimately honest with the person before things get too emotional and involved. It just depends on how you want to interact with people.

  77. BotenAnna says:

    Whew! Wikiedit done. I didn’t add or say anything about the trans stuff, nor did I comment here about them, so real quick before I run out the door I don’t think it’s necessary to say you’re trans in your profile, but you need to be honest. Unfortunately on my girl profile that means I meet some interesting and fun girls who mysteriously stop messaging me after I come out to them, but oh well. I meet rad people who don’t care, too, and part of the problem is that I’m fairly pre-everything and as a lesbian myself I’m not sure I’d date me at this point, either. I just do it to meet people and practice being a girl a bit so the rejection isn’t an issue and I learn from it.

    Being open about it has its own issues that you point out, but really either method is acceptable as long as you’re ultimately honest with the person before things get too emotional and involved. It just depends on how you want to interact with people.

  78. BotenAnna says:

    Whew! Wikiedit done. I didn’t add or say anything about the trans stuff, nor did I comment here about them, so real quick before I run out the door I don’t think it’s necessary to say you’re trans in your profile, but you need to be honest. Unfortunately on my girl profile that means I meet some interesting and fun girls who mysteriously stop messaging me after I come out to them, but oh well. I meet rad people who don’t care, too, and part of the problem is that I’m fairly pre-everything and as a lesbian myself I’m not sure I’d date me at this point, either. I just do it to meet people and practice being a girl a bit so the rejection isn’t an issue and I learn from it.

    Being open about it has its own issues that you point out, but really either method is acceptable as long as you’re ultimately honest with the person before things get too emotional and involved. It just depends on how you want to interact with people.

    • Schala says:

      Well, I’d like to say there’s much more stigma and a “Why bother?” attitude towards trans not presented towards gays, especially if you’re gay yourself in the first place, that would be shooting yourself in the foot.

      I mean, if I was lesbian, would that scare off lesbian prospects? But if I put up that I’m trans it scares both straight and gay prospects. I have a profile on OkCupid too. I don’t mention anywhere about transition. I’ll tell when someone messages me, someone is interested, or I feel I trust the person enough. Being trans (or intersex, can’t be sure, that’s why I mention both) is something I do (transition), and while my past might inform some of my present, it isn’t much of *who* I am, rather than a category.

      Saying I’m trans won’t tell you one bit about me, except maybe suggest I take/have taken medications in some form and have or intend to have surgery someday (in most people’s minds they associate trans and surgery). It might say I face potential discrimination, too. But I face discrimination for being poor too, and I don’t advertise it.

  79. Elaine says:

    No, you are not a liar. You tell it like it is. Your right in so many ways. Someone should never decide to want to be in a relationship with someone because of what they are. It should be how they are inside that should count more than anything. Not what you appear to be. Appearance is not everything. It’s the person at heart. No one person should not have to disclose if they are male or female to talk to a person. It just should not matter. If you hit it off with someone just by talking then the rest should not matter. People are real beautiful at heart if you take the time to get to know them inside their soul. No, one should be judged by appearance or how they live their lives. It’s the soul you fall in love with.

  80. Elaine says:

    No, you are not a liar. You tell it like it is. Your right in so many ways. Someone should never decide to want to be in a relationship with someone because of what they are. It should be how they are inside that should count more than anything. Not what you appear to be. Appearance is not everything. It’s the person at heart. No one person should not have to disclose if they are male or female to talk to a person. It just should not matter. If you hit it off with someone just by talking then the rest should not matter. People are real beautiful at heart if you take the time to get to know them inside their soul. No, one should be judged by appearance or how they live their lives. It’s the soul you fall in love with.

  81. Pooky says:

    Oh, I believe there’s lots of things you could put in your profile, that wouldn’t be “keywords,” if you wanted to let people know on your main page; “I have/used to have a male body,” “I used to be male,” “Where most girls have an innie, I have an outie.” Really, there are lots of ways of saying it without using “trans” or “mtf” or words like that.

    Question, though: does someone being interested in your body, the way it is, automatically make them a “fetishist”?

  82. Pooky says:

    Oh, I believe there’s lots of things you could put in your profile, that wouldn’t be “keywords,” if you wanted to let people know on your main page; “I have/used to have a male body,” “I used to be male,” “Where most girls have an innie, I have an outie.” Really, there are lots of ways of saying it without using “trans” or “mtf” or words like that.

    Question, though: does someone being interested in your body, the way it is, automatically make them a “fetishist”?

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